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I got a free sample of Speed Stick Gear and noticed it says it has “48 Hour Protection.”   You put deodorant on in the morning, not once every two days.  Who isn’t showering or sleeping for 48 hours? Is their target demographic meth-head truck drivers, like this guy?

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"What’s the deal with 48 hour deodorant?  Who are these people?"

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It should come with 9.6 bottles of 5-hour Energy, No-Doz, and a pack of cigarettes.  The people buying this probably also buy the Old Spice that’s a soap, shampoo, and toothpaste all in one.

Well, it was free so I guess I’ll use it.  Just have to stay up for the next 48 hours.

Mila Kunis is the spokesperson for Jim Beam and she’s also pregnant.  Is this the first time that a spokesperson can’t use the product they’re a spokesperson for?  At least I hope she’s not using the product, she must have been drinking a lot of Jim Beam to get engaged to “King of the Trucker Hats,” Ashton Kutcher. 

Mila Kunis is the spokesperson for Jim Beam and she’s also pregnant.  Is this the first time that a spokesperson can’t use the product they’re a spokesperson for?  At least I hope she’s not using the product, she must have been drinking a lot of Jim Beam to get engaged to “King of the Trucker Hats,” Ashton Kutcher. 

The Scientology Double Standard

I tend to have different opinions on Scientology based on what celebrity you’re talking about.

When you tell me Tom Cruise is a Scientologist:

  • "What a cult-joining lunatic.  He read a science fiction novel written by a conman and decided to start worshiping it?  Did he also watch Jurassic Park and start praying to Jeff Goldblum?  Why follow L Ron Hubbard?  He’s just a guy, he doesn’t know any more than you.  Just glimpsing his Wikipedia page shows that he was extremely racist against the Chinese.  Does Tom Cruise hate Chinese people?  He certainly follows the teachings of a racist-against-Chinese-person.  And he thinks that humans came from aliens that flew here on a space ship, well if anyone seems like an alien it’s him and John Travolta. They probably flew here on their Prius piloted by their Chinese man-servants.”

When you tell me Elisabeth Moss is a Scientologist:

  • "Who am I to judge?  It’s none of my business.  It seems kind of reasonable, aliens are probably real.  I mean who’s to say we’re not the aliens? At least she chose a religion that you know isn’t real, all the others can go either way.  And so what if it’s a cult?  Society is just one big cult.  I really liked that movie The Master, that was about Scientology, right?  And I heard L Ron Hubbard lived on a boat, that’s pretty cool.”

I think the top Scientologists know that everyone has a different view on Scientology based on the celebrity.  That’s why there was that rumor that the Scientologists were casting Moss as Cruise’s fourth wife, it makes it seem more normal.  They started with the crazy celebrities, now they’re getting the normal celebrities, pretty soon they’ve got your next door neighbor and they’re coming for you!

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Unlicensed Elmo

I’ve been reading about the characters in Times Square that keep getting arrested.  One of the articles used the words “unlicensed Elmo.”  That sounds like it should be a sequel to Bad Santa.  Unlicensed Elmo: starring Billy Bob Thornton as a pickpocket alcoholic Elmo.  I’d pay to see it.

Manson Mad Men Theorists Almost As Crazy As Manson

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Some people on the Internet have the theory that in the final season of Mad Men, Megan is going to be murdered by Charles Manson.  Do they know what show they’re watching?  That’s not going to happen.  However it does make me wonder if Manson gets TV access in prison and if he’s eagerly watching while thinking “Am I on Mad Men this week?”  He’s probably saying the same thing these Internet theorists say, but he’s saying them to his fellow psycho-killer inmates.  He turns to the mass murderer next to him and says “Look, Megan’s an actress that’s wearing the same shirt as the actress I had a role in killing wore! I’m so gonna be on Mad Men next week.”  Then season 7 came around and he’s going “Look man, Megan’s living in the canyons of LA, just like the actress I had a role in killing!”  A few episodes later Don’s pregnant niece Stephanie visits Megan and Manson gets excited, “I had a role in murdering a pregnant woman!  And she says she was impregnated by a musician from the Bay Area that’s been to jail, that’s totally me!” 

No Manson related stuff happens on the show for awhile and his whole cell block is telling him he’s not going to be on Mad Men.  Manson then starts grasping at straws, “Think about it man, Don and Megan are separated, just like Roman Polanski and Sharon Tate, whom I had a role in killing, were!  Come on, Peggy was holding a can of Folgers coffee, that’s definitely alluding to the fact that I had a role in killing the heir to the Folgers fortune!  You gotta connect the dots, man!” 

The Internet theorists have connected the dots, and I don’t think it’s going to happen.  The theorists also connected the dots that Don is going to be DB Cooper.  I’d say Megan being murdered by Charles Manson has a 0.1% chance of happening, while Don being DB Cooper has a  negative 100% chance of happening.

I think these theorists have spent too much time toking back the hashish.

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On a related note, Manson was busted for having a cell phone in prison and he’s now engaged to some lunatic girl, so I wonder what cell provider they use.  I bet they went to Sprint and got the Framily plan, The Manson Framily Plan. 

I was listening to the ufologist Dr Steven Greer talk about how he thinks that ever since atomic weapons were developed, aliens have visited Earth every now and then to see if humans are a threat to them.  I like to think that every time the aliens visit it just happens to be when the McRib comes back.  An alien looks out of the saucer window and sees a crowd of sentient human beings shoving their mouth full of genetically engineered pork product slobbered in barbecue sauce and guzziling down a 44 ouncer of high fructose corn syrup, all while talking on the phone.  The alien thinks “Still?” then puts out a cigarette and goes, “No threat here,” and blasts off back to his home planet.

#ufo   #ufos   #aliens   #mcrib   #McDonald's   #mcdonalds  
Is 20 gallons of hot sauce too much to buy?  It’s only $455.95 with shipping.  I think I’ll get it, charge it now, worry about paying for it and all the heartburn later.  If I buy this, Amazon would say that I would also be interested in the 50 gallon drum of Tums and a subscription to the Amazon Prime Doomsday-Prepper Package.  Sign me up!

Is 20 gallons of hot sauce too much to buy?  It’s only $455.95 with shipping.  I think I’ll get it, charge it now, worry about paying for it and all the heartburn later.  If I buy this, Amazon would say that I would also be interested in the 50 gallon drum of Tums and a subscription to the Amazon Prime Doomsday-Prepper Package.  Sign me up!

There Will Be Millennials

Since millennials probably don’t understand There Will Be Blood, I’ve updated the closed captioning with terms to help them better understand.

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On Marc Maron’s podcast he tried to book the comedian Kevin McDonald and instead had the film director Kevin MacDonald show up at his house.  That would be pretty shocking, but it could be worse.  Imagine if he tried to book Richard Hatch the actor from Battlestar Galactica and ended up finding Richard Hatch the nudist Survivor winner/convicted felon at his house.  It’d be Richard Hatch naked in his driveway waving saying “I’m ready for the interview!”  Then cut to them standing awkwardly inside while waiting for coffee to brew, Richard Hatch still naked, and Maron’s like “So…you did a guest spot on Becker?”  I think that would be worse.

The announcer at the hot dog eating contest said that Joey Chestnut winning 8 years in a row was “the greatest achievement in the history of mankind.”  I’ll say that that’s the greatest exaggeration in the history of mankind. 

The announcer at the hot dog eating contest said that Joey Chestnut winning 8 years in a row was “the greatest achievement in the history of mankind.”  I’ll say that that’s the greatest exaggeration in the history of mankind. 

I Question “Joe Rogan Questions Everything”

I’ve been watching the show Joe Rogan Questions Everything, where he hunts for Bigfoot and UFOs.  I like the show, but it just seems like the idea of a celebrity searching for these things is absurd.  If Joe Rogan found Bigfoot, it would be all over the news immediately.  Not only was Bigfoot discovered, Bigfoot was discovered by Joe Rogan!  The guy from Fear Factor and podcasts!  So the whole time anybody is watching the show they know Joe Rogan didn’t find Bigfoot.  The whole premise is a spoiler.

In one episode Rogan is looking for evidence of UFOs and he goes and talks to an expert.  The expert tells a bunch of UFO stories, and Rogan gets mad because they’re just stories and not proof.  I knew Joe Rogan wasn’t going to beat this guy up, but he had this threatening look for a second that was like “Show me an alien now or I’m gonna use my Tae Kwon Do on you.”  Obviously there’s no proof of aliens, that’s why the show exists. 

I guess it’s not really that absurd if you think about it.  If Joe Rogan actually found Bigfoot everyone would know immediately, probably by a selfie with Bigfoot on Twitter, but they would definitely still tune in to the show.  That would get the biggest ratings of all time, and it’d be even bigger if Joe Rogan found Bigfoot and was then abducted by aliens along with his camera crew.  We’re talking “See Joe Rogan and Bigfoot inside an alien spacecraft” level ratings. 

I recommend the show, it’s fun to watch the different people Rogan and Duncan Trussell interview.  Some are reputable people from the government and others look they just woke up from a coma they went into in 1994, immediately polished off a bottle of booze and were thrown in front of the camera.

I’m glad Andy Daly’s show Review got renewed.  I don’t think I’ve actually laughed so much at a show.  Usually it’s just like “that’s funny,” but this show I would actually laugh and rewind to see a scene again, especially the last episode. 

I like this video because the same thing happened to me that happened to those people in the van at the end.  I remember we were driving in the parking lot of a pizza place and there was a guy standing next to his car vomiting, so we kept driving and never went back.  I’d like to think that guy was Andy Daly.

Some people have said that Mad Men is a show about today that is set in the past.  That’s definitely true for season 7, because their Burger Chef pitch was pretty much a combo of The Olive Garden’s “When you’re here you’re family” and the Sprint Framily Plan.  Now I hope I will never have to type or hear the word “framily” ever again.  Lets just go on pretending that the word “framily” never existed. 

Some people have said that Mad Men is a show about today that is set in the past.  That’s definitely true for season 7, because their Burger Chef pitch was pretty much a combo of The Olive Garden’s “When you’re here you’re family” and the Sprint Framily Plan.  Now I hope I will never have to type or hear the word “framily” ever again.  Lets just go on pretending that the word “framily” never existed. 

#mad men   #framily  

At Jiffy Lube I noticed that a mechanic was drinking a NOS Energy drink.  I wonder if he’s ever confused his NOS Energy bottle with the real thing and inhaled a bottle of nitrous oxide?  Come to think of it, I think NOS is the only automotive brand that has successfully transitioned into the food and beverage industry.  Sure, there was Pennzoil 10W30 Cola and Firestone Pita Bread, but those didn’t last long.  Maybe if Pennzoil used a cola bottle that was different from their motor oil bottle it would’ve worked, but it was just jarring to see a kid on the street corner guzzling down a quart of Pennzoil.  Also, technically BP moved into the food industry when they covered a ton of the world’s seafood with their oil, but that wasn’t successful.  It didn’t go over very well at all.  Personally, I don’t think I’ll ever consume a food product manufactured by the same company that manufactures parts for Toyota Celicas.

Buzzfeed is basically saying “Twitter is dead, would you like to share this on Twitter?”

Buzzfeed is basically saying “Twitter is dead, would you like to share this on Twitter?”

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