I Have Almonds, Can You Milk Them?
I had Almond Milk for the first time the other week. I have no idea how one gets milk from almonds, but it was pretty good. Almond Milk’s commercial should just be a re-enactment of that scene from Meet The Parents, but Robert De Niro says “I have almonds, Greg. Can you milk them?”
Is this the greatest commercial ever created in the history of human beings/moose? Probably.
Have you ever been stuck in traffic because of a funeral procession? Well I have an idea for a solution: a Grief Bus. Instead of the family and friends of the deceased all driving hundreds of cars to the same place, just shove them all in a bus. A classy bus, painted all black with all leather interiors and catered food. There would be a classy waiter with those tiny ham sandwiches they always have and he’ll be like “Sorry to hear about Uncle Chuck, wanna lil’ ham sandwich thing?” Of course, there would have to be a bar full of wines and liquors up where the luggage would usually go. Also, instead of air vents above your head, there’s a tissue dispenser. On the front of the bus where city buses have a digital sign that says where they’re going, it says “RIP Uncle Chuck.” Basically, it’s like a party bus for funerals.
With the Grief Bus there’s no traffic and significantly less pollution, or at least I would assume. I’m no environmental expert. A hundred cars versus one bus, you’d think the bus would be better, right? There would definitely be less people cursing at you for holding up traffic. Instead of directing traffic and leading the procession, the cops can go do something better than driving around a dead guy.
The Grief Bus is so awesome, you’ll be hoping more people die so you can ride on this sweet bus!
All aboard The Grief Bus!
Splash: Rapid Fire
The celebrity diving show Splash debuts on ABC tonight, so here are some jokes about it. They’re pretty much off the top of my head, well, except for the fact that I had to research who all these random celebrities are. Read them fast so I can call them RAPID FIRE.
- The pool has rocks on the bottom, just to make sure that the celebrities know they’ve hit rock bottom.
- A former host of Family Feud killed himself, current Feud host Louie Anderson will try to avoid the same fate while diving head first into a concrete structure filled with water.
- Not exactly what Baywatch’s Nicole Eggert meant when she said “I’m ready to dive into my next project.”
- Former Playboy Playmate Kendra Wilkinson will be a contestant, finally answering the question she hears most, “Do they float?”
- The network that brought you LOST is officially lost.
- You’ve already watched these celebs fall from grace, now watch them fall from a diving board.
- The only thing higher than the diving board is Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, in height and amount of weed smoked.
- Chelsea Handler’s sidekick Chuy Bravo will participate, but Handler knows more about flops than dives.
- Chuy Bravo withdrew due to injury, the injury being his soul.
- The original title was The Highest of Highs & The Lowest of Lows. The “high” meaning the diving board, the “low” meaning the “celebrities,” the ratings, and the lives of people watching it.
- The NBA’s all time leading scorer, an Olympic skier, and a Women’s World Cup Champion band together to prove that those accomplishments still can’t keep them off of one of the worst shows ever created.
- It was pitched to celebrities as “The next best alternative to jumping off a bridge.”
- Miss Alabama 2012 Katherine Webb was once offered the role of a Miss USA judge by Donald Trump, and judging by her appearance on Splash, obviously not a role on Celebrity Apprentice.
- Five men will dive in the pool, which will be a slight adjustment from Kendra Wilkinson’s usual “five men in the hot tub.”
- The show that critics are calling “the show that will change public opinion on performance enhancing drugs…Please take them, we beg you!”
- Last year ABC’s Pan Am crashed and burned, this year Splash’s ratings will dive.
- F-list celebrities holding their breath ensure you won’t have to hold yours.
Prepare yourself for all the terrible headlines for Splash articles: “Splash Ratings Dive,” “Splash Flops,” and “ABC’s Splash As Dead As Lifeless Corpse Floating In The Shallow End.”
Brian Dunkleman does stand up.
You know, Brian Dunkleman? That guy from the first season of American Idol? Yeah, that guy. Ryan Seacrest just made $25 million in the time it took you to remember who Brian Dunkleman is.
I’d say that he’s funnier than Ryan Seacrest, but then again so is 95% of the population.
Exploring The Guy Fieri Collection on Amazon.com
Let’s take a look at some of the (as Guy Fieri might say) “rad” Guy Fieri products on Amazon.
These Guy Fieri designed frying pans are a great thing to have just in case you meet Guy Fieri, you can have something to hit him in the head with.
But seriously, you’ve gotta collect them all, they’re the Pokemon of frying pans. Who wouldn’t want a frying pan with a design based on the tattoos on Guy Fieri’s body?
Add to cart. Scratch that, ADD ALL TO CART!
Wait…Guy Fieri Squirt Bottles?
I don’t know what I would use a squirt bottle for, much less three squirt bottles designed by Guy Fieri, but I’ll figure that out later. ADD TO CART.
You absolutely have to order this Guy Fieri Knuckle Sandwich Battle Station 17 Slot Knife Block. Even if you don’t have a use for it, at least you’ll be able to say that you own a Knuckle Sandwich Battle Station. If you go on a big job interview, just mention, “Uhhhh…Yeahhh..I’ve got a Knuckle Sandwich Battle Station, so you’re gonna want to bump up that pay.” Boom! $80 well spent, now you’ve got a big paying job just because you blew 80 bucks on a 17 slot plastic block without any knives.
How about a Guy Fieri bottle opener? The only catch is that it only works on bottles of Smirnoff Ice (they don’t mention that on Amazon). Maybe add the Smirnoff Ice to your Guy Fieri squirt bottles and squirt it on all the ladies that are going to be around you because they love hanging out with dudes who have tons of Guy Fieri stuff so much.
Lastly, pick up a Guy Fieri Steak Thermometer. It tells you when your steak is hot, but I’ll be the one to tell you that these Guy Fieri products and all the chicks you’ll be getting are HOT, HOT, HOT.
Pop open a bottle to celebrate your newly obtained Guy Fieri Collection and all the success (Big paying job, the flock of supermodels that follow you everywhere, a new found taste for Smirnoff Ice) it has brought you.
People are always talking about who wore it best, well, I’m not and nobody I know is, but I assume people on TV and the Internet are. So get ready to debate who wore THESE best:
Which fictional character from a television show wore a stupid hat the best? George Costanza from Seinfeld, or Lane Pryce from Mad Men?
Which crazy person wore a Carhartt jacket best, Limehouse from Justified or Rick Perry?
Which fictional character from a television show ate ribs the best and/or wore the BBQ sauce the best? Frank Underwood from House of Cards, or Alex from Happy Endings?
Everyone go settle this debate with a heated argument, I’m gonna go do something else.
Who’s The Greatest Biff?
It’s finally time to settle the age-old debate of who’s the greatest Biff, Back to the Future’s Biff Tannen or Letterman producer Biff Henderson. Email your arguments to firstname.lastname@example.org.