The Washington Redskins could do to their name what Team Penske did with their sponsor: actually have one but never mention it. Penske was sponsored by Marlboro but wasn’t allowed to have Marlboro logos on the car, only their colors.
Then they were sponsored by Verizon but weren’t allowed to have logos on the car because it was the Sprint Cup Series.
So Washington could be the team without a name, but they kind of have a name, and it’s really just confusing to everybody so they just say “Washington.”
Three Nightmare Inducing Words: Taco Bell Coffee
I knew Taco Bell served breakfast but I had no idea they served coffee. That just seems unnecessary. Chances are if you’re eating Taco Bell for breakfast you won’t need coffee to wake up, the waffle taco stuffed with imitation sausage and undercooked eggs churning through your stomach should be enough to get you wide awake. I’m guessing it will definitely get you moving faster, combining two laxatives first thing in the morning should have you blowing through stop lights and running for the Pepto-Bismol aisle of the nearest pharmacy.
Just combining the words “Taco Bell” and “coffee” is enough to dissuade me from ever trying Taco Bell coffee. I mean, I’ll eat raw oysters because that’s a gamble but Taco Bell coffee? There’s no way that will end well for anyone involved.
Something I’ll Never Understand
I read somewhere that Larry David has never taken a photograph in his life. I’m the same, except I’ve never taken a “selfie” and never will. Just typing that word made me cringe. When did taking photographs of yourself become acceptable? If ten years ago you were filling up your disposable camera with photos of yourself the photo developer at Eckerds would call the mental ward to lock you up and diagnose you as a narcissistic sociopath. Try taking selfies of you and your kale salad in a straight jacket!
In fact, I’d like to be like Thomas Pynchon and have no existing photographs of me on the Internet, although there are about four or five. You don’t need to see my picture, just like I don’t need to see your selfies with every milky coffee you drank for the last three years. And it’s not coffee if there’s a bunch of almond milk and stevia crap in it. Drink it strong and black, like you’re a old oil prospector or a cowboy who wanders alone through the desert not even knowing or having the desire to know what a camera is.
I can somewhat understand girls taking selfies, but guys? I mean, what kind of a man takes selfies, or uses the word selfie in conversation? As Woody Harrelson said in True Detective after his daughter was arrested with two dudes in a truck, “This is something I’ll never understand.”
Here’s a photo of me, taken by someone else, like it should be:
Am I going to have to issue an apology for offending milky coffee drinking selfie-takers? “I apologize to those who were offended by my comments on milk in coffee and the practice of taking photographs of oneself and uploading to various social media sites, commonly referred to a selfies. I intended no ill-will in my comments and offer my deepest apologies. It is every American’s right to drink their coffee and take their pictures as they see fit. It is with great shame that I will evaluate my future on the Tumblr blogging platform. I can only hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me. Thank you for your time.” No way.
Car Horns in Radio Commercials
Radio commercials that have car horn sounds in them should be illegal. It’s just to get your attention, I heard a jewelry commercial with car horns in it. Car horns have nothing to do with jewelry. Just think of how many accidents would be prevented if you didn’t think for a split second that someone was honking at you. For example, today I was driving and thought I heard a car honking at me. I immediately slammed on the brakes, swung open my door, grabbed my tire iron, busted open the guy behind mes windshield, pulled him out by the collar and threw him on the ground, raised my tire iron and yelled “You honking at ME?!” He said “No, no it’s the radio commercial.” So I brushed the glass shards off my shirt, lowered my tire iron and went “Ohhhh, welp, my bad, hate those commercials. See ya!”
Just think, all of that senseless violence could’ve been prevented if our elected officials took a firm stand against car horn sounds in radio commercials. Car horns: They have no place in our radio commercials.
(This post paid for by The Association of Americans Against Car Horns in Radio Commercials.)
I got a free sample of Speed Stick Gear and noticed it says it has “48 Hour Protection.” You put deodorant on in the morning, not once every two days. Who isn’t showering or sleeping for 48 hours? Is their target demographic meth-head truck drivers, like this guy?
"What’s the deal with 48 hour deodorant? Who are these people?"
It should come with 9.6 bottles of 5-hour Energy, No-Doz, and a pack of cigarettes. The people buying this probably also buy the Old Spice that’s a soap, shampoo, and toothpaste all in one.
Well, it was free so I guess I’ll use it. Just have to stay up for the next 48 hours.
Mila Kunis is the spokesperson for Jim Beam and she’s also pregnant. Is this the first time that a spokesperson can’t use the product they’re a spokesperson for? At least I hope she’s not using the product, she must have been drinking a lot of Jim Beam to get engaged to “King of the Trucker Hats,” Ashton Kutcher.
The Scientology Double Standard
I tend to have different opinions on Scientology based on what celebrity you’re talking about.
When you tell me Tom Cruise is a Scientologist:
- "What a cult-joining lunatic. He read a science fiction novel written by a conman and decided to start worshiping it? Did he also watch Jurassic Park and start praying to Jeff Goldblum? Why follow L Ron Hubbard? He’s just a guy, he doesn’t know any more than you. Just glimpsing his Wikipedia page shows that he was extremely racist against the Chinese. Does Tom Cruise hate Chinese people? He certainly follows the teachings of a racist-against-Chinese-person. And he thinks that humans came from aliens that flew here on a space ship, well if anyone seems like an alien it’s him and John Travolta. They probably flew here on their Prius piloted by their Chinese man-servants.”
When you tell me Elisabeth Moss is a Scientologist:
- "Who am I to judge? It’s none of my business. It seems kind of reasonable, aliens are probably real. I mean who’s to say we’re not the aliens? At least she chose a religion that you know isn’t real, all the others can go either way. And so what if it’s a cult? Society is just one big cult. I really liked that movie The Master, that was about Scientology, right? And I heard L Ron Hubbard lived on a boat, that’s pretty cool.”
I think the top Scientologists know that everyone has a different view on Scientology based on the celebrity. That’s why there was that rumor that the Scientologists were casting Moss as Cruise’s fourth wife, it makes it seem more normal. They started with the crazy celebrities, now they’re getting the normal celebrities, pretty soon they’ve got your next door neighbor and they’re coming for you!
I’ve been reading about the characters in Times Square that keep getting arrested. One of the articles used the words “unlicensed Elmo.” That sounds like it should be a sequel to Bad Santa. Unlicensed Elmo: starring Billy Bob Thornton as a pickpocket alcoholic Elmo. I’d pay to see it.
Manson Mad Men Theorists Almost As Crazy As Manson
Some people on the Internet have the theory that in the final season of Mad Men, Megan is going to be murdered by Charles Manson. Do they know what show they’re watching? That’s not going to happen. However it does make me wonder if Manson gets TV access in prison and if he’s eagerly watching while thinking “Am I on Mad Men this week?” He’s probably saying the same thing these Internet theorists say, but he’s saying them to his fellow psycho-killer inmates. He turns to the mass murderer next to him and says “Look, Megan’s an actress that’s wearing the same shirt as the actress I had a role in killing wore! I’m so gonna be on Mad Men next week.” Then season 7 came around and he’s going “Look man, Megan’s living in the canyons of LA, just like the actress I had a role in killing!” A few episodes later Don’s pregnant niece Stephanie visits Megan and Manson gets excited, “I had a role in murdering a pregnant woman! And she says she was impregnated by a musician from the Bay Area that’s been to jail, that’s totally me!”
No Manson related stuff happens on the show for awhile and his whole cell block is telling him he’s not going to be on Mad Men. Manson then starts grasping at straws, “Think about it man, Don and Megan are separated, just like Roman Polanski and Sharon Tate, whom I had a role in killing, were! Come on, Peggy was holding a can of Folgers coffee, that’s definitely alluding to the fact that I had a role in killing the heir to the Folgers fortune! You gotta connect the dots, man!”
The Internet theorists have connected the dots, and I don’t think it’s going to happen. The theorists also connected the dots that Don is going to be DB Cooper. I’d say Megan being murdered by Charles Manson has a 0.1% chance of happening, while Don being DB Cooper has a negative 100% chance of happening.
I think these theorists have spent too much time toking back the hashish.
On a related note, Manson was busted for having a cell phone in prison and he’s now engaged to some lunatic girl, so I wonder what cell provider they use. I bet they went to Sprint and got the Framily plan, The Manson Framily Plan.
I was listening to the ufologist Dr Steven Greer talk about how he thinks that ever since atomic weapons were developed, aliens have visited Earth every now and then to see if humans are a threat to them. I like to think that every time the aliens visit it just happens to be when the McRib comes back. An alien looks out of the saucer window and sees a crowd of sentient human beings shoving their mouth full of genetically engineered pork product slobbered in barbecue sauce and guzziling down a 44 ouncer of high fructose corn syrup, all while talking on the phone. The alien thinks “Still?” then puts out a cigarette and goes, “No threat here,” and blasts off back to his home planet.
Is 20 gallons of hot sauce too much to buy? It’s only $455.95 with shipping. I think I’ll get it, charge it now, worry about paying for it and all the heartburn later. If I buy this, Amazon would say that I would also be interested in the 50 gallon drum of Tums and a subscription to the Amazon Prime Doomsday-Prepper Package. Sign me up!
On Marc Maron’s podcast he tried to book the comedian Kevin McDonald and instead had the film director Kevin MacDonald show up at his house. That would be pretty shocking, but it could be worse. Imagine if he tried to book Richard Hatch the actor from Battlestar Galactica and ended up finding Richard Hatch the nudist Survivor winner/convicted felon at his house. It’d be Richard Hatch naked in his driveway waving saying “I’m ready for the interview!” Then cut to them standing awkwardly inside while waiting for coffee to brew, Richard Hatch still naked, and Maron’s like “So…you did a guest spot on Becker?” I think that would be worse.
The announcer at the hot dog eating contest said that Joey Chestnut winning 8 years in a row was “the greatest achievement in the history of mankind.” I’ll say that that’s the greatest exaggeration in the history of mankind.
I Question “Joe Rogan Questions Everything”
I’ve been watching the show Joe Rogan Questions Everything, where he hunts for Bigfoot and UFOs. I like the show, but it just seems like the idea of a celebrity searching for these things is absurd. If Joe Rogan found Bigfoot, it would be all over the news immediately. Not only was Bigfoot discovered, Bigfoot was discovered by Joe Rogan! The guy from Fear Factor and podcasts! So the whole time anybody is watching the show they know Joe Rogan didn’t find Bigfoot. The whole premise is a spoiler.
In one episode Rogan is looking for evidence of UFOs and he goes and talks to an expert. The expert tells a bunch of UFO stories, and Rogan gets mad because they’re just stories and not proof. I knew Joe Rogan wasn’t going to beat this guy up, but he had this threatening look for a second that was like “Show me an alien now or I’m gonna use my Tae Kwon Do on you.” Obviously there’s no proof of aliens, that’s why the show exists.
I guess it’s not really that absurd if you think about it. If Joe Rogan actually found Bigfoot everyone would know immediately, probably by a selfie with Bigfoot on Twitter, but they would definitely still tune in to the show. That would get the biggest ratings of all time, and it’d be even bigger if Joe Rogan found Bigfoot and was then abducted by aliens along with his camera crew. We’re talking “See Joe Rogan and Bigfoot inside an alien spacecraft” level ratings.
I recommend the show, it’s fun to watch the different people Rogan and Duncan Trussell interview. Some are reputable people from the government and others look they just woke up from a coma they went into in 1994, immediately polished off a bottle of booze and were thrown in front of the camera.