I’ve met a few people who say they don’t know how to read analog clocks. The opposite is true for me, I can’t read digital clocks. Like, what does this say?
I have no idea. Whenever there’s a bomb in a movie, I’m like “How many seconds is left?”
But Seriously, if you can’t read an analog clock, you’re an idiot. There’s no excuse. You can teach yourself in two minutes. There’s no book called Reading Clocks For Dummies, because it would be a flyer.
The radio station I listen to in the morning refers to their studio as “The Bojangle’s It’s Bo Time Breakfast Studio.” With a name like that I can’t take any thing they say seriously. Just think of how ridiculous it sounds:
"There seems to be a major crash on Main Street with multiple injuries. We’ll be here to bring you more updates from The Bojangle’s It’s Bo Time Breakfast Studio."
"We’re here live at the Bojangle’s It’s Bo Time Breakfast Studio where we’ve just received word of an escaped prisoner on the loose. He is considered armed and extremely dangerous."
It’s way too early in the morning to be hearing the “It’s Bo Time!” sound bite at every commercial break. At least wait until after I consume my first 5,000 calorie Bojangle’s breakfast of the day.
I’m sick of everything on the internet turning out to be a hoax, although I guess it’s good that the North Korean guy didn’t really get ripped apart by 120 starving dogs. There is one popular story that I’m calling a hoax before it comes out as a hoax, and that would be the Pappy Van Winkle bourbon heist. If you’re not familiar, somebody stole 195 bottles of the most expensive and hardest to find bourbon in the world from the Buffalo Trace Distillery. Police think it was an inside job, and I agree. It was an inside job by their marketing department.
All you ever hear about Pappy Van Winkle bourbon is that it’s so impossible to find that people have been on wait lists for twenty years and that people end up selling a bottle for thousands of dollars. That’s a lot of word-of-mouth, so just look how much more word-of-mouth was created when their marketing department created this mysterious heist story. It’s just like that episode of “Mad Men” where Pete and Peggy hire those actresses to fight over a ham in a grocery store. Now people who wouldn’t even know that Pappy Van Winkle isn’t a character from a children’s tale are talking about Pappy Van Winkle bourbon. People that did know about it are probably now willing to pay even more money now that the hardest to get bourbon in the world is now even harder to get.
You’re probably asking how or why the police are acting like they’re investigating this fake heist. Well, Buffalo Trace probably gave the cops a few bottles and told them to make a big deal out of it and get people talking. And it worked, I’m writing this and you’re reading it (is anyone reading this?) while the cops and marketing department are drunk on thousand dollar bourbon.
I GUARANTEE that this is a hoax. Why people can’t see that, I don’t know. People actually believe that video of the guy claiming to be Conan O’Brien’s kid is serious. How big of an idiot does someone have to be to not see that it’s a comedy video? Grow some sense, America. I am now a conspiracy theorist. Are the Buffalo Trace employees lizard people? That’s what they want you to think, man! I’m off to go see my new pal Jesse Ventura.
Every time that it comes out that an athlete tested positive for steroids I just find it funny that a grown up person took drugs to be good at games. It seems like a childish thing to do, like if you told a kid he could take a shot to be better at kickball, he’d do it. But if a grown up does it they just look like an insanely stupid person. It’s a game. They’re putting their life on the line, health-wise and reputation-wise, to be good at a game.
I wonder where these athletes draw the line in what’s considered a game. Does Alex Rodriguez call up his dealer and be like “I got a game of Boggle with the in-laws coming up this weekend, it’s gonna be pretty intense, can you score me some blow?” It’s a tricky slope, one minute you’re taking steroids to be good at baseball, the next you’re snorting lines of coke to stay up all night playing Boggle.
People shouldn’t do drugs to be good at games, they should do drugs because they’re sick, rich, or have nothing else. Some athlete should do a PSA about steroids and say “Don’t do drugs to be good at games, do drugs because your life has hit rock bottom.” Then they just show a guys wife and kids leaving him and then cut to the guy in an dark alley drinking a 40 and smoking crack with Rob Ford.
You know, I think a man wiser than you or me once said “Stay off the crack, drink chocolate milk.” And yes, that man was Charlie Sheen.
1994 A jury awarded $2.9 million to a woman who suffered third-degree burns after spilling a cup of hot coffee purchased from a McDonald’s in Albuquerque, NM. The ruling drew global media attention, and ultimately lead McDonald’s to begin printing a warning on all its coffee cups going forward.
2014 A California resident is clearly hoping history will repeat itself, having filed suit against the burger franchise after spilling a cup of coffee she purchased at the McDonald’s on Sepulveda Boulevard in Los Angeles. Thursday’s filing doesn’t include any specific information on the extent of the plaintiff’s injuries, but does claim the lid for the woman’s coffee cup was “negligently, carelessly and improperly” attached. Anybody think this will work?
This sounds like Jackie Chiles from “Seinfeld” is the lawyer. “Who told you to put the lid on? Did I tell you to put the lid on? That lid was put on negligently, carelessly, improperly, outrageously, egregiously, preposterously!”
Ellen DeGeneres made some video where all the cigarettes in Mad Men are replaced with party horns. Nice try, Ellen. Over a year ago I made this post where I replaced the drinks on Mad Men with Fanta. I mean, the party horn doesn’t even make sense, why is there smoke coming out of their mouth? Shameless companies (Fanta) paying money to force their way in to innocent peoples homes, now that makes sense. It’s advertising, what Mad Men is about.
I always listen to a classic rock station when I’m driving. I’m always thinking “How can they possibly play this song again? Play something different for once!” Then this week they actually started playing different stuff. About two minutes in and I’m like “What is this crap? Play the classics! It’s called classic rock, not random songs nobody’s ever heard.” Then I changed it to the other classic rock station that also claims to be “Richmond’s Only Classic Rock Station.”
I guess they answered my question as to why they play the same songs all the time.
How have scientists not created a way to keep your hair the same length? We can have our hair laser removed so that it never grows and use Rogaine to make our hair grow more, so why can’t we have it stay the same length? It’s a conspiracy! The world’s scientists are in the pocket of “Big Haircut,” the group of multimillion dollar corporations that own hair salons all over this fine country.
Scientists can grow a human ear on the back of a mouse, use a 3D printer to print out human lungs, bomb the moon, and I’m supposed to believe that they haven’t come up with a way to have my hair stay the same length? Whatever happened with that Moon bombing thing anyway? Seemed like it was kind of a stupid thing to do, but I’m no scientist.
The same goes for fingernails. What, we just have to keep trimming our fingernails and toenails like monkeys? Do monkeys trim their fingernails? That might be funny to see. Scientists are obviously in the pocket of “Big Clipper,” the group of multimillion dollar nail clipper manufacturers.
The Internet will find a way, it always makes everything obsolete, even you, Big Haircut and Big Clipper.
Here’s a picture of Jason Alexander aka George Costanza with hair obviously designed by the worlds greatest scientists:
I think CBS might have put too much stock in the belief that people would like Under The Dome. I mean, just look at their fall lineup. Was it really necessary to have all their shows set under domes?
Monday, Sept. 23 8-9pm – How I Met Your MotherUnder The Dome 9-9:30pm – 2 Broke GirlsUnder The Dome 9:30-10pm – Mom Under The Dome 10-11pm – Hostages Under The Dome
Tuesday, Sept. 24 8-9pm – NCIS:Under The Dome 9-10pm – NCIS: Los Angeles: Under The Dome 10-11pm – Person of InterestUnder The Dome
Wednesday, Sept. 25 9-10pm – Criminal MindsUnder The Dome 10-11pm – CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Under The Dome
Thursday, Sept. 26 8-8:30pm – The Big Bang TheoryUnder The Dome 8:30-9pm – The Millers Under The Dome 9-9:30pm – The Crazy Ones Under The Dome 9:30-10pm – Two and a Half MenUnder The Dome 10-11pm – Elementary Under The Dome
Friday, Sept. 27 8-9pm – Undercover Boss Under The Dome 9-10pm – Hawaii-Five 0 Under The Dome 10-11pm – Blue BloodsUnder The Dome
Saturday, Sept. 28 10-11pm – 48 Hours Under The Dome
Sunday, Sept. 29 7-8pm – 60 MinutesUnder The Dome 8-9pm – The Amazing Race Under The Dome 9-10pm – The Good WifeUnder The Dome 10-11pm – The MentalistUnder The Dome
Tired Of Being Killed In Ratings, "Anger Management" May Hire Actual Killer
Congrats to FX, they finally found a way to get me to watch Charlie Sheen’s Anger Management. When it premiered, I was like “I’ll watch that when pigs fly and OJ Simpson guest stars!” Cut to today when the rumor is that OJ Simpson is guest starring on Anger Management and a pig is flying in that Geico commercial.
Based on an article I just read, somebody associated with Simpson says the show’s executives want him to guest star but some other person associated with FX says it will never happen. That means it’s happening! Anytime a company denies something, that means it is definitely happening. Set your DVRs (I don’t have one, can I come over?)
Imagine the insanity of a set with Charlie Sheen and OJ Simpson. Of course I’m tuning in. Throw Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes in the episode too, maybe get the Royal Baby. The entire studio audience would be TMZ employees, and I bet that somehow there would be less behind-the-scenes drama than on Community. And OJ is “innocent,” right? I mean, he is legally required to use quotes around the word “innocent,” but why should that or being in prison stop him from being on a terrible TV show?
FX needs me to be watching their channel. I watch just about all of their shows and now they’re taking half of them and putting them on a new channel, FXX. Of course I won’t get FXX on my cable subscription. So that leaves me with the option of paying more money for the exact same content. Not happening. That’s how they reward me for watching Always Sunny In Philadelphia for eight years, even since season one when nobody was watching. I guess I’ll wait for the Blu-Ray. By the way, why are Blu-Rays so hard to find? It’s 2013, DVDs are obsolete. Stop selling them. If he can’t guest star, at least let OJ manufacture FX Blu-Ray discs in prison.
RELATED NEWS: Charles Manson to guest star on Showtime’s Californication.
I had Almond Milk for the first time the other week. I have no idea how one gets milk from almonds, but it was pretty good. Almond Milk’s commercial should just be a re-enactment of that scene from Meet The Parents, but Robert De Niro says “I have almonds, Greg. Can you milk them?”
Have you ever been stuck in traffic because of a funeral procession? Well I have an idea for a solution: a Grief Bus. Instead of the family and friends of the deceased all driving hundreds of cars to the same place, just shove them all in a bus. A classy bus, painted all black with all leather interiors and catered food. There would be a classy waiter with those tiny ham sandwiches they always have and he’ll be like “Sorry to hear about Uncle Chuck, wanna lil’ ham sandwich thing?” Of course, there would have to be a bar full of wines and liquors up where the luggage would usually go. Also, instead of air vents above your head, there’s a tissue dispenser. On the front of the bus where city buses have a digital sign that says where they’re going, it says “RIP Uncle Chuck.” Basically, it’s like a party bus for funerals.
With the Grief Bus there’s no traffic and significantly less pollution, or at least I would assume. I’m no environmental expert. A hundred cars versus one bus, you’d think the bus would be better, right? There would definitely be less people cursing at you for holding up traffic. Instead of directing traffic and leading the procession, the cops can go do something better than driving around a dead guy.
The Grief Bus is so awesome, you’ll be hoping more people die so you can ride on this sweet bus!
The celebrity diving show Splash debuts on ABC tonight, so here are some jokes about it. They’re pretty much off the top of my head, well, except for the fact that I had to research who all these random celebrities are. Read them fast so I can call them RAPID FIRE.
The pool has rocks on the bottom, just to make sure that the celebrities know they’ve hit rock bottom.
A former host of Family Feud killed himself, current Feud host Louie Anderson will try to avoid the same fate while diving head first into a concrete structure filled with water.
Not exactly what Baywatch’s Nicole Eggert meant when she said “I’m ready to dive into my next project.”
Former Playboy Playmate Kendra Wilkinson will be a contestant, finally answering the question she hears most, “Do they float?”
The network that brought you LOST is officially lost.
You’ve already watched these celebs fall from grace, now watch them fall from a diving board.
The only thing higher than the diving board is Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, in height and amount of weed smoked.
Chelsea Handler’s sidekick Chuy Bravo will participate, but Handler knows more about flops than dives.
Chuy Bravo withdrew due to injury, the injury being his soul.
The original title was The Highest of Highs & The Lowest of Lows. The “high” meaning the diving board, the “low” meaning the “celebrities,” the ratings, and the lives of people watching it.
The NBA’s all time leading scorer, an Olympic skier, and a Women’s World Cup Champion band together to prove that those accomplishments still can’t keep them off of one of the worst shows ever created.
It was pitched to celebrities as “The next best alternative to jumping off a bridge.”
Miss Alabama 2012 Katherine Webb was once offered the role of a Miss USA judge by Donald Trump, and judging by her appearance on Splash, obviously not a role on Celebrity Apprentice.
Five men will dive in the pool, which will be a slight adjustment from Kendra Wilkinson’s usual “five men in the hot tub.”
The show that critics are calling “the show that will change public opinion on performance enhancing drugs…Please take them, we beg you!”
Last year ABC’s Pan Am crashed and burned, this year Splash’s ratings will dive.
F-list celebrities holding their breath ensure you won’t have to hold yours.
Prepare yourself for all the terrible headlines for Splash articles: “Splash Ratings Dive,” “Splash Flops,” and “ABC’s Splash As Dead As Lifeless Corpse Floating In The Shallow End.”
I don’t know what I would use a squirt bottle for, much less three squirt bottles designed by Guy Fieri, but I’ll figure that out later. ADD TO CART.
You absolutely have to order this Guy Fieri Knuckle Sandwich Battle Station 17 Slot Knife Block. Even if you don’t have a use for it, at least you’ll be able to say that you own a Knuckle Sandwich Battle Station. If you go on a big job interview, just mention, “Uhhhh…Yeahhh..I’ve got a Knuckle Sandwich Battle Station, so you’re gonna want to bump up that pay.” Boom! $80 well spent, now you’ve got a big paying job just because you blew 80 bucks on a 17 slot plastic block without any knives.
How about a Guy Fieri bottle opener? The only catch is that it only works on bottles of Smirnoff Ice (they don’t mention that on Amazon). Maybe add the Smirnoff Ice to your Guy Fieri squirt bottles and squirt it on all the ladies that are going to be around you because they love hanging out with dudes who have tons of Guy Fieri stuff so much.
Lastly, pick up a Guy Fieri Steak Thermometer. It tells you when your steak is hot, but I’ll be the one to tell you that these Guy Fieri products and all the chicks you’ll be getting are HOT, HOT, HOT.
Pop open a bottle to celebrate your newly obtained Guy Fieri Collection and all the success (Big paying job, the flock of supermodels that follow you everywhere, a new found taste for Smirnoff Ice) it has brought you.