I’ve been watching the show Joe Rogan Questions Everything, where he hunts for Bigfoot and UFOs. I like the show, but it just seems like the idea of a celebrity searching for these things is absurd. If Joe Rogan found Bigfoot, it would be all over the news immediately. Not only was Bigfoot discovered, Bigfoot was discovered by Joe Rogan! The guy from Fear Factor and podcasts! So the whole time anybody is watching the show they know Joe Rogan didn’t find Bigfoot. The whole premise is a spoiler.
In one episode Rogan is looking for evidence of UFOs and he goes and talks to an expert. The expert tells a bunch of UFO stories, and Rogan gets mad because they’re just stories and not proof. I knew Joe Rogan wasn’t going to beat this guy up, but he had this threatening look for a second that was like “Show me an alien now or I’m gonna use my Tae Kwon Do on you.” Obviously there’s no proof of aliens, that’s why the show exists.
I guess it’s not really that absurd if you think about it. If Joe Rogan actually found Bigfoot everyone would know immediately, probably by a selfie with Bigfoot on Twitter, but they would definitely still tune in to the show. That would get the biggest ratings of all time, and it’d be even bigger if Joe Rogan found Bigfoot and was then abducted by aliens along with his camera crew. We’re talking “See Joe Rogan and Bigfoot inside an alien spacecraft” level ratings.
I recommend the show, it’s fun to watch the different people Rogan and Duncan Trussell interview. Some are reputable people from the government and others look they just woke up from a coma they went into in 1994, immediately polished off a bottle of booze and were thrown in front of the camera.
At Jiffy Lube I noticed that a mechanic was drinking a NOS Energy drink. I wonder if he’s ever confused his NOS Energy bottle with the real thing and inhaled a bottle of nitrous oxide? Come to think of it, I think NOS is the only automotive brand that has successfully transitioned into the food and beverage industry. Sure, there was Pennzoil 10W30 Cola and Firestone Pita Bread, but those didn’t last long. Maybe if Pennzoil used a cola bottle that was different from their motor oil bottle it would’ve worked, but it was just jarring to see a kid on the street corner guzzling down a quart of Pennzoil. Also, technically BP moved into the food industry when they covered a ton of the world’s seafood with their oil, but that wasn’t successful. It didn’t go over very well at all. Personally, I don’t think I’ll ever consume a food product manufactured by the same company that manufactures parts for Toyota Celicas.
I’ve never seen any of the “Iron Man” movies or had any desire to, but I have seen the last five minutes of “Iron Man 2” a half dozen times while watching FX just waiting for “Justified” to come on. It’s on every Tuesday. FX should change their slogan to “FX Has The Movies, As Long As Those Movies Are The Second Film In The Iron Man Series.”
Although it is good to see Garry Shandling back on TV for two of those five minutes every week.
I’ve met a few people who say they don’t know how to read analog clocks. The opposite is true for me, I can’t read digital clocks. Like, what does this say?
I have no idea. Whenever there’s a bomb in a movie, I’m like “How many seconds is left?”
But Seriously, if you can’t read an analog clock, you’re an idiot. There’s no excuse. You can teach yourself in two minutes. There’s no book called Reading Clocks For Dummies, because it would be a flyer.
The radio station I listen to in the morning refers to their studio as “The Bojangle’s It’s Bo Time Breakfast Studio.” With a name like that I can’t take any thing they say seriously. Just think of how ridiculous it sounds:
"There seems to be a major crash on Main Street with multiple injuries. We’ll be here to bring you more updates from The Bojangle’s It’s Bo Time Breakfast Studio."
"We’re here live at the Bojangle’s It’s Bo Time Breakfast Studio where we’ve just received word of an escaped prisoner on the loose. He is considered armed and extremely dangerous."
It’s way too early in the morning to be hearing the “It’s Bo Time!” sound bite at every commercial break. At least wait until after I consume my first 5,000 calorie Bojangle’s breakfast of the day.
I’m sick of everything on the internet turning out to be a hoax, although I guess it’s good that the North Korean guy didn’t really get ripped apart by 120 starving dogs. There is one popular story that I’m calling a hoax before it comes out as a hoax, and that would be the Pappy Van Winkle bourbon heist. If you’re not familiar, somebody stole 195 bottles of the most expensive and hardest to find bourbon in the world from the Buffalo Trace Distillery. Police think it was an inside job, and I agree. It was an inside job by their marketing department.
All you ever hear about Pappy Van Winkle bourbon is that it’s so impossible to find that people have been on wait lists for twenty years and that people end up selling a bottle for thousands of dollars. That’s a lot of word-of-mouth, so just look how much more word-of-mouth was created when their marketing department created this mysterious heist story. It’s just like that episode of “Mad Men” where Pete and Peggy hire those actresses to fight over a ham in a grocery store. Now people who wouldn’t even know that Pappy Van Winkle isn’t a character from a children’s tale are talking about Pappy Van Winkle bourbon. People that did know about it are probably now willing to pay even more money now that the hardest to get bourbon in the world is now even harder to get.
You’re probably asking how or why the police are acting like they’re investigating this fake heist. Well, Buffalo Trace probably gave the cops a few bottles and told them to make a big deal out of it and get people talking. And it worked, I’m writing this and you’re reading it (is anyone reading this?) while the cops and marketing department are drunk on thousand dollar bourbon.
I GUARANTEE that this is a hoax. Why people can’t see that, I don’t know. People actually believe that video of the guy claiming to be Conan O’Brien’s kid is serious. How big of an idiot does someone have to be to not see that it’s a comedy video? Grow some sense, America. I am now a conspiracy theorist. Are the Buffalo Trace employees lizard people? That’s what they want you to think, man! I’m off to go see my new pal Jesse Ventura.
Every time that it comes out that an athlete tested positive for steroids I just find it funny that a grown up person took drugs to be good at games. It seems like a childish thing to do, like if you told a kid he could take a shot to be better at kickball, he’d do it. But if a grown up does it they just look like an insanely stupid person. It’s a game. They’re putting their life on the line, health-wise and reputation-wise, to be good at a game.
I wonder where these athletes draw the line in what’s considered a game. Does Alex Rodriguez call up his dealer and be like “I got a game of Boggle with the in-laws coming up this weekend, it’s gonna be pretty intense, can you score me some blow?” It’s a tricky slope, one minute you’re taking steroids to be good at baseball, the next you’re snorting lines of coke to stay up all night playing Boggle.
People shouldn’t do drugs to be good at games, they should do drugs because they’re sick, rich, or have nothing else. Some athlete should do a PSA about steroids and say “Don’t do drugs to be good at games, do drugs because your life has hit rock bottom.” Then they just show a guys wife and kids leaving him and then cut to the guy in an dark alley drinking a 40 and smoking crack with Rob Ford.
You know, I think a man wiser than you or me once said “Stay off the crack, drink chocolate milk.” And yes, that man was Charlie Sheen.
1994 A jury awarded $2.9 million to a woman who suffered third-degree burns after spilling a cup of hot coffee purchased from a McDonald’s in Albuquerque, NM. The ruling drew global media attention, and ultimately lead McDonald’s to begin printing a warning on all its coffee cups going forward.
2014 A California resident is clearly hoping history will repeat itself, having filed suit against the burger franchise after spilling a cup of coffee she purchased at the McDonald’s on Sepulveda Boulevard in Los Angeles. Thursday’s filing doesn’t include any specific information on the extent of the plaintiff’s injuries, but does claim the lid for the woman’s coffee cup was “negligently, carelessly and improperly” attached. Anybody think this will work?
This sounds like Jackie Chiles from “Seinfeld” is the lawyer. “Who told you to put the lid on? Did I tell you to put the lid on? That lid was put on negligently, carelessly, improperly, outrageously, egregiously, preposterously!”
Ellen DeGeneres made some video where all the cigarettes in Mad Men are replaced with party horns. Nice try, Ellen. Over a year ago I made this post where I replaced the drinks on Mad Men with Fanta. I mean, the party horn doesn’t even make sense, why is there smoke coming out of their mouth? Shameless companies (Fanta) paying money to force their way in to innocent peoples homes, now that makes sense. It’s advertising, what Mad Men is about.
I always listen to a classic rock station when I’m driving. I’m always thinking “How can they possibly play this song again? Play something different for once!” Then this week they actually started playing different stuff. About two minutes in and I’m like “What is this crap? Play the classics! It’s called classic rock, not random songs nobody’s ever heard.” Then I changed it to the other classic rock station that also claims to be “Richmond’s Only Classic Rock Station.”
I guess they answered my question as to why they play the same songs all the time.
How have scientists not created a way to keep your hair the same length? We can have our hair laser removed so that it never grows and use Rogaine to make our hair grow more, so why can’t we have it stay the same length? It’s a conspiracy! The world’s scientists are in the pocket of “Big Haircut,” the group of multimillion dollar corporations that own hair salons all over this fine country.
Scientists can grow a human ear on the back of a mouse, use a 3D printer to print out human lungs, bomb the moon, and I’m supposed to believe that they haven’t come up with a way to have my hair stay the same length? Whatever happened with that Moon bombing thing anyway? Seemed like it was kind of a stupid thing to do, but I’m no scientist.
The same goes for fingernails. What, we just have to keep trimming our fingernails and toenails like monkeys? Do monkeys trim their fingernails? That might be funny to see. Scientists are obviously in the pocket of “Big Clipper,” the group of multimillion dollar nail clipper manufacturers.
The Internet will find a way, it always makes everything obsolete, even you, Big Haircut and Big Clipper.
Here’s a picture of Jason Alexander aka George Costanza with hair obviously designed by the worlds greatest scientists:
I think CBS might have put too much stock in the belief that people would like Under The Dome. I mean, just look at their fall lineup. Was it really necessary to have all their shows set under domes?
Monday, Sept. 23 8-9pm – How I Met Your MotherUnder The Dome 9-9:30pm – 2 Broke GirlsUnder The Dome 9:30-10pm – Mom Under The Dome 10-11pm – Hostages Under The Dome
Tuesday, Sept. 24 8-9pm – NCIS:Under The Dome 9-10pm – NCIS: Los Angeles: Under The Dome 10-11pm – Person of InterestUnder The Dome
Wednesday, Sept. 25 9-10pm – Criminal MindsUnder The Dome 10-11pm – CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Under The Dome
Thursday, Sept. 26 8-8:30pm – The Big Bang TheoryUnder The Dome 8:30-9pm – The Millers Under The Dome 9-9:30pm – The Crazy Ones Under The Dome 9:30-10pm – Two and a Half MenUnder The Dome 10-11pm – Elementary Under The Dome
Friday, Sept. 27 8-9pm – Undercover Boss Under The Dome 9-10pm – Hawaii-Five 0 Under The Dome 10-11pm – Blue BloodsUnder The Dome
Saturday, Sept. 28 10-11pm – 48 Hours Under The Dome
Sunday, Sept. 29 7-8pm – 60 MinutesUnder The Dome 8-9pm – The Amazing Race Under The Dome 9-10pm – The Good WifeUnder The Dome 10-11pm – The MentalistUnder The Dome
Tired Of Being Killed In Ratings, "Anger Management" May Hire Actual Killer
Congrats to FX, they finally found a way to get me to watch Charlie Sheen’s Anger Management. When it premiered, I was like “I’ll watch that when pigs fly and OJ Simpson guest stars!” Cut to today when the rumor is that OJ Simpson is guest starring on Anger Management and a pig is flying in that Geico commercial.
Based on an article I just read, somebody associated with Simpson says the show’s executives want him to guest star but some other person associated with FX says it will never happen. That means it’s happening! Anytime a company denies something, that means it is definitely happening. Set your DVRs (I don’t have one, can I come over?)
Imagine the insanity of a set with Charlie Sheen and OJ Simpson. Of course I’m tuning in. Throw Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes in the episode too, maybe get the Royal Baby. The entire studio audience would be TMZ employees, and I bet that somehow there would be less behind-the-scenes drama than on Community. And OJ is “innocent,” right? I mean, he is legally required to use quotes around the word “innocent,” but why should that or being in prison stop him from being on a terrible TV show?
FX needs me to be watching their channel. I watch just about all of their shows and now they’re taking half of them and putting them on a new channel, FXX. Of course I won’t get FXX on my cable subscription. So that leaves me with the option of paying more money for the exact same content. Not happening. That’s how they reward me for watching Always Sunny In Philadelphia for eight years, even since season one when nobody was watching. I guess I’ll wait for the Blu-Ray. By the way, why are Blu-Rays so hard to find? It’s 2013, DVDs are obsolete. Stop selling them. If he can’t guest star, at least let OJ manufacture FX Blu-Ray discs in prison.
RELATED NEWS: Charles Manson to guest star on Showtime’s Californication.
I had Almond Milk for the first time the other week. I have no idea how one gets milk from almonds, but it was pretty good. Almond Milk’s commercial should just be a re-enactment of that scene from Meet The Parents, but Robert De Niro says “I have almonds, Greg. Can you milk them?”