I always listen to a classic rock station when I’m driving. I’m always thinking “How can they possibly play this song again? Play something different for once!” Then this week they actually started playing different stuff. About two minutes in and I’m like “What is this crap? Play the classics! It’s called classic rock, not random songs nobody’s ever heard.” Then I changed it to the other classic rock station that also claims to be “Richmond’s Only Classic Rock Station.”
I guess they answered my question as to why they play the same songs all the time.
How have scientists not created a way to keep your hair the same length? We can have our hair laser removed so that it never grows and use Rogaine to make our hair grow more, so why can’t we have it stay the same length? It’s a conspiracy! The world’s scientists are in the pocket of “Big Haircut,” the group of multimillion dollar corporations that own hair salons all over this fine country.
Scientists can grow a human ear on the back of a mouse, use a 3D printer to print out human lungs, bomb the moon, and I’m supposed to believe that they haven’t come up with a way to have my hair stay the same length? Whatever happened with that Moon bombing thing anyway? Seemed like it was kind of a stupid thing to do, but I’m no scientist.
The same goes for fingernails. What, we just have to keep trimming our fingernails and toenails like monkeys? Do monkeys trim their fingernails? That might be funny to see. Scientists are obviously in the pocket of “Big Clipper,” the group of multimillion dollar nail clipper manufacturers.
The Internet will find a way, it always makes everything obsolete, even you, Big Haircut and Big Clipper.
Here’s a picture of Jason Alexander aka George Costanza with hair obviously designed by the worlds greatest scientists:
I think CBS might have put too much stock in the belief that people would like Under The Dome. I mean, just look at their fall lineup. Was it really necessary to have all their shows set under domes?
Monday, Sept. 23 8-9pm – How I Met Your MotherUnder The Dome 9-9:30pm – 2 Broke GirlsUnder The Dome 9:30-10pm – Mom Under The Dome 10-11pm – Hostages Under The Dome
Tuesday, Sept. 24 8-9pm – NCIS:Under The Dome 9-10pm – NCIS: Los Angeles: Under The Dome 10-11pm – Person of InterestUnder The Dome
Wednesday, Sept. 25 9-10pm – Criminal MindsUnder The Dome 10-11pm – CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Under The Dome
Thursday, Sept. 26 8-8:30pm – The Big Bang TheoryUnder The Dome 8:30-9pm – The Millers Under The Dome 9-9:30pm – The Crazy Ones Under The Dome 9:30-10pm – Two and a Half MenUnder The Dome 10-11pm – Elementary Under The Dome
Friday, Sept. 27 8-9pm – Undercover Boss Under The Dome 9-10pm – Hawaii-Five 0 Under The Dome 10-11pm – Blue BloodsUnder The Dome
Saturday, Sept. 28 10-11pm – 48 Hours Under The Dome
Sunday, Sept. 29 7-8pm – 60 MinutesUnder The Dome 8-9pm – The Amazing Race Under The Dome 9-10pm – The Good WifeUnder The Dome 10-11pm – The MentalistUnder The Dome
Tired Of Being Killed In Ratings, "Anger Management" May Hire Actual Killer
Congrats to FX, they finally found a way to get me to watch Charlie Sheen’s Anger Management. When it premiered, I was like “I’ll watch that when pigs fly and OJ Simpson guest stars!” Cut to today when the rumor is that OJ Simpson is guest starring on Anger Management and a pig is flying in that Geico commercial.
Based on an article I just read, somebody associated with Simpson says the show’s executives want him to guest star but some other person associated with FX says it will never happen. That means it’s happening! Anytime a company denies something, that means it is definitely happening. Set your DVRs (I don’t have one, can I come over?)
Imagine the insanity of a set with Charlie Sheen and OJ Simpson. Of course I’m tuning in. Throw Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes in the episode too, maybe get the Royal Baby. The entire studio audience would be TMZ employees, and I bet that somehow there would be less behind-the-scenes drama than on Community. And OJ is “innocent,” right? I mean, he is legally required to use quotes around the word “innocent,” but why should that or being in prison stop him from being on a terrible TV show?
FX needs me to be watching their channel. I watch just about all of their shows and now they’re taking half of them and putting them on a new channel, FXX. Of course I won’t get FXX on my cable subscription. So that leaves me with the option of paying more money for the exact same content. Not happening. That’s how they reward me for watching Always Sunny In Philadelphia for eight years, even since season one when nobody was watching. I guess I’ll wait for the Blu-Ray. By the way, why are Blu-Rays so hard to find? It’s 2013, DVDs are obsolete. Stop selling them. If he can’t guest star, at least let OJ manufacture FX Blu-Ray discs in prison.
RELATED NEWS: Charles Manson to guest star on Showtime’s Californication.
I had Almond Milk for the first time the other week. I have no idea how one gets milk from almonds, but it was pretty good. Almond Milk’s commercial should just be a re-enactment of that scene from Meet The Parents, but Robert De Niro says “I have almonds, Greg. Can you milk them?”
Have you ever been stuck in traffic because of a funeral procession? Well I have an idea for a solution: a Grief Bus. Instead of the family and friends of the deceased all driving hundreds of cars to the same place, just shove them all in a bus. A classy bus, painted all black with all leather interiors and catered food. There would be a classy waiter with those tiny ham sandwiches they always have and he’ll be like “Sorry to hear about Uncle Chuck, wanna lil’ ham sandwich thing?” Of course, there would have to be a bar full of wines and liquors up where the luggage would usually go. Also, instead of air vents above your head, there’s a tissue dispenser. On the front of the bus where city buses have a digital sign that says where they’re going, it says “RIP Uncle Chuck.” Basically, it’s like a party bus for funerals.
With the Grief Bus there’s no traffic and significantly less pollution, or at least I would assume. I’m no environmental expert. A hundred cars versus one bus, you’d think the bus would be better, right? There would definitely be less people cursing at you for holding up traffic. Instead of directing traffic and leading the procession, the cops can go do something better than driving around a dead guy.
The Grief Bus is so awesome, you’ll be hoping more people die so you can ride on this sweet bus!
The celebrity diving show Splash debuts on ABC tonight, so here are some jokes about it. They’re pretty much off the top of my head, well, except for the fact that I had to research who all these random celebrities are. Read them fast so I can call them RAPID FIRE.
The pool has rocks on the bottom, just to make sure that the celebrities know they’ve hit rock bottom.
A former host of Family Feud killed himself, current Feud host Louie Anderson will try to avoid the same fate while diving head first into a concrete structure filled with water.
Not exactly what Baywatch’s Nicole Eggert meant when she said “I’m ready to dive into my next project.”
Former Playboy Playmate Kendra Wilkinson will be a contestant, finally answering the question she hears most, “Do they float?”
The network that brought you LOST is officially lost.
You’ve already watched these celebs fall from grace, now watch them fall from a diving board.
The only thing higher than the diving board is Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, in height and amount of weed smoked.
Chelsea Handler’s sidekick Chuy Bravo will participate, but Handler knows more about flops than dives.
Chuy Bravo withdrew due to injury, the injury being his soul.
The original title was The Highest of Highs & The Lowest of Lows. The “high” meaning the diving board, the “low” meaning the “celebrities,” the ratings, and the lives of people watching it.
The NBA’s all time leading scorer, an Olympic skier, and a Women’s World Cup Champion band together to prove that those accomplishments still can’t keep them off of one of the worst shows ever created.
It was pitched to celebrities as “The next best alternative to jumping off a bridge.”
Miss Alabama 2012 Katherine Webb was once offered the role of a Miss USA judge by Donald Trump, and judging by her appearance on Splash, obviously not a role on Celebrity Apprentice.
Five men will dive in the pool, which will be a slight adjustment from Kendra Wilkinson’s usual “five men in the hot tub.”
The show that critics are calling “the show that will change public opinion on performance enhancing drugs…Please take them, we beg you!”
Last year ABC’s Pan Am crashed and burned, this year Splash’s ratings will dive.
F-list celebrities holding their breath ensure you won’t have to hold yours.
Prepare yourself for all the terrible headlines for Splash articles: “Splash Ratings Dive,” “Splash Flops,” and “ABC’s Splash As Dead As Lifeless Corpse Floating In The Shallow End.”
I don’t know what I would use a squirt bottle for, much less three squirt bottles designed by Guy Fieri, but I’ll figure that out later. ADD TO CART.
You absolutely have to order this Guy Fieri Knuckle Sandwich Battle Station 17 Slot Knife Block. Even if you don’t have a use for it, at least you’ll be able to say that you own a Knuckle Sandwich Battle Station. If you go on a big job interview, just mention, “Uhhhh…Yeahhh..I’ve got a Knuckle Sandwich Battle Station, so you’re gonna want to bump up that pay.” Boom! $80 well spent, now you’ve got a big paying job just because you blew 80 bucks on a 17 slot plastic block without any knives.
How about a Guy Fieri bottle opener? The only catch is that it only works on bottles of Smirnoff Ice (they don’t mention that on Amazon). Maybe add the Smirnoff Ice to your Guy Fieri squirt bottles and squirt it on all the ladies that are going to be around you because they love hanging out with dudes who have tons of Guy Fieri stuff so much.
Lastly, pick up a Guy Fieri Steak Thermometer. It tells you when your steak is hot, but I’ll be the one to tell you that these Guy Fieri products and all the chicks you’ll be getting are HOT, HOT, HOT.
Pop open a bottle to celebrate your newly obtained Guy Fieri Collection and all the success (Big paying job, the flock of supermodels that follow you everywhere, a new found taste for Smirnoff Ice) it has brought you.
The “It’s Dan’s Blog” Person Of The Year award goes to that monkey from all those TV shows, Crystal The Monkey. Sure, it might be weird that the Person Of The Year isn’t a person, but monkeys are people too, right? PETA would agree that I’m a person treating this animal ethically and that I don’t discriminate in terms of species for meaningless fake awards on the Internet.
If you’re like me and not familiar with Crystal The Monkey at all, that’s because you have decent taste in TV shows and movies and don’t watch things with monkeys in them. You may have not seen her in projects like Night At The Museum, The Hangover II, Zookeeper, We Bought A Zoo, Animal Practice and this blog post. If you do have decent taste, you may have seen this monkey on Community. That’s right, this monkey gets more work than Paul Reiser (Person Of The Year runner-up), but a little bit less than Whitney Cummings.
In case you were feeling good about the amount of money you make, Crystal The Monkey made $12,000 an episode on Animal Practice. So, yeah, a monkey made more money in one week than you’ll make in months. Also, apparently monkeys can spend money now.
I’ll leave you with this somewhat insulting to humans quote from Ken Jeong, actor in Community and Hangover II:
"She’s amazing. She’s not a monkey, she’s an actor. And quite possibly the best actor I’ve worked with."
Canadian Club Reminds You That You Too Can Have Awesome Crippling Alcoholism Like Don Draper
The season 5 Blu-Ray of Mad Men features this insert and a video about how to make cocktails featuring what the main character Don Draper considers water, Canadian Club. It’s nice to see an alcohol company fully embrace a total alcoholic character like Don Draper (pictured below) instead of asking to have footage of their product removed, like Budweiser is doing to the movie Flight that features Denzel Washington’s alcoholic character drinking Budweiser. It’s nice to have them basically say, “This character gets drunk all day, drinks and drives, and loses his family, but hey, we approve and encourage you to do the same…drink smart!”
Here are some Mad Men ads about Don Draper that Canadian Club might think are too “on the nose.”
Next time you abandon your family on your daughter’s birthday to go get drunk by the railroad tracks and stare off in to darkness, choose Canadian Club Whiskey: Aged 12 years, the same age as the daughter you’ll disappoint.
If you enjoy getting slapped by a prostitute on Thanksgiving morning, you’ll enjoy Premium Extra Aged Canadian Club Whisky…Goes down smooth!
After you cause two people to hang themselves, boy does a classic Canadian Club cocktail hit the spot!
Ever started drinking on a Friday afternoon and woken up on Sunday morning with some random waitress and a phone call from your ex-wife telling you that you forgot to pick up the kids and that it’s not the day you think it is? Well we hope you chose smooth Canadian Club Whisky.
Stock photo of Don Draper below:
By the way, why isn’t Budweiser also trying to get removed from Mad Men? Don Draper drinks Budweiser (pictured below) when he’s cutting down on his drinking in the season 4 episode Summer Man, of course, “cutting down” meaning only eight drinks a day.
Anyway, drink up! It’s the holidays®™. (Registered trademark, Canadian Club Whisky, 2012.)
Trump Addresses Your Main Hurricane Related Concern - The 13th Season Of Celebrity Apprentice
I know that when everyone heard that Hurricane Sandy was coming, their first thought was, “I really hope this doesn’t effect Celebrity Apprentice.” I’m also sure that when everyone read the articles about bodies of children and elderly people being found, their first thought was “Why won’t Trump hurry up and tell us how this storm will effect Celebrity Apprentice already?” Well, in between tweets insulting the President for helping those effected by Hurricane Sandy, he FINALLY tweeted about how this storm will effect the 13th season of Celebrity Apprentice: The filming will be adjusted.
DON’T WORRY EVERYONE! Everything is going to be okay. CALM DOWN! He tweeted that all the mega-celebrities like Dennis Rodman and Bret Michaels are going to be okay. Sure, people may have died horrific deaths, but wouldn’t they want you to carry on their memory by watching Celebrity Apprentice, March 3rd at 9/8c on NBC? I think a dose of Gary Busey and Stephen Baldwin is what everyone needs during these trying times.
"All-Star Celebrity Apprentice- It’s Going To Be Huge, Like My Ego."
"Sources are reporting that actress and former child star Lindsay Lohan has passed on… the opportunity to reprise her role in Scary Movie 6.”
"Some breaking news to report: It appears that tabloid personality Lindsay Lohan has taken her own life…into consideration and enrolled into a rehabilitation clinic."
"Family and friends are saying that Lindsay Lohan just died…when she found out she would film a scene with Charlie Sheen in the new film Scary Movie 5. Here to talk about it is Lindsay…”
"A source close to the situation is saying that Lindsay Lohan was discovered in her bed this morning…instead of in court for her latest hit and run case."
"Lindsay Lohan was shot early this morning…by a police photographer for her latest mugshot."
"With a career that spanned over two decades, 26 year old Lindsay Lohan will never be forgotten….as the star of Parent Trap, which is something she hopes to change with her role in the new film Liz & Dick.”
Remember when Conan used to do the “If They Mated” segment?
I figured I’d take a shot at one myself. So let’s say Quincy Jones had a kid with, uhhh…I don’t know, let’s say that waitress from Twin Peaks. I mean, it’s like a zero percent chance those two have ever even met, right? Well, if they did meet and mate, their kid might look something like this:
She looks kind of familiar, like I’ve seen her somewhere or something. Weird.