May 2013
3 posts
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NBC Cancels "Paul Reiser Show" Again, Just To Make...
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I Have Almonds, Can You Milk Them?
I had Almond Milk for the first time the other week. I have no idea how one gets milk from almonds, but it was pretty good. Almond Milk’s commercial should just be a re-enactment of that scene from Meet The Parents, but Robert De Niro says “I have almonds, Greg. Can you milk them?”
April 2013
3 posts
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March 2013
5 posts
Have you ever been stuck in traffic because of a funeral procession? Well I have an idea for a solution: a Grief Bus. Instead of the family and friends of the deceased all driving hundreds of cars to the same place, just shove them all in a bus. A classy bus, painted all black with all leather interiors and catered food. There would be a classy waiter with those tiny ham sandwiches they...
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Splash: Rapid Fire
The celebrity diving show Splash debuts on ABC tonight, so here are some jokes about it. They’re pretty much off the top of my head, well, except for the fact that I had to research who all these random celebrities are. Read them fast so I can call them RAPID FIRE.
The pool has rocks on the bottom, just to make sure that the celebrities know they’ve hit rock bottom.
A former...
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Isn’t it kind of weird that Brian Baumgartner aka Kevin from The Office is now a spokesman for Subway?
Isn’t it even more weird when you consider that the photo below exists?
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Exploring The Guy Fieri Collection on Amazon.com
Let’s take a look at some of the (as Guy Fieri might say) “rad” Guy Fieri products on Amazon.
These Guy Fieri designed frying pans are a great thing to have just in case you meet Guy Fieri, you can have something to hit him in the head with.
But seriously, you’ve gotta collect them all, they’re the Pokemon of frying pans. Who wouldn’t want a frying pan with...
February 2013
2 posts
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People are always talking about who wore it best, well, I’m not and nobody I know is, but I assume people on TV and the Internet are. So get ready to debate who wore THESE best:
Which fictional character from a television show wore a stupid hat the best? George Costanza from Seinfeld, or Lane Pryce from Mad Men?
Which crazy person wore a Carhartt jacket best, Limehouse from Justified...
I call the band name “Tainted Beef Scandal.” Now if I only had a band or knew how to play an instrument I could use that awesome band name.
(Gawker)
January 2013
3 posts
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Who's The Greatest Biff?
It’s finally time to settle the age-old debate of who’s the greatest Biff, Back to the Future’s Biff Tannen or Letterman producer Biff Henderson. Email your arguments to whosthegreatestbiff@aol.com.
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December 2012
5 posts
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Person Of The Year
The “It’s Dan’s Blog” Person Of The Year award goes to that monkey from all those TV shows, Crystal The Monkey. Sure, it might be weird that the Person Of The Year isn’t a person, but monkeys are people too, right? PETA would agree that I’m a person treating this animal ethically and that I don’t discriminate in terms of species for meaningless fake...
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November 2012
4 posts
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What Would Be The Greatest, Possibly Dumbest,...
If I knew how to edit videos, I would make a video that has all the scenes in Twin Peaks where characters drink coffee and then cut to Alec Baldwin yelling “PUT THAT COFFEE DOWN!”
So just play these two videos back to back:
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Canadian Club Reminds You That You Too Can Have...
The season 5 Blu-Ray of Mad Men features this insert and a video about how to make cocktails featuring what the main character Don Draper considers water, Canadian Club. It’s nice to see an alcohol company fully embrace a total alcoholic character like Don Draper (pictured below) instead of asking to have footage of their product removed, like Budweiser is doing to the movie Flight that...
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Donald Trump: Expert Human
Judging by Donald Trump’s Twitter page, he is an all around expert at everything. See for yourself:
Donald Trump: Construction Expert!
Donald Trump: Ratings Expert!
Donald Trump: Relationship Expert!
Donald Trump: Medical Expert!
Donald Trump: Football Expert!
Donald Trump: Legal Expert!
Donald Trump: Medical and “Environment” Expert!
Donald Trump:...
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Trump Addresses Your Main Hurricane Related...
I know that when everyone heard that Hurricane Sandy was coming, their first thought was, “I really hope this doesn’t effect Celebrity Apprentice.” I’m also sure that when everyone read the articles about bodies of children and elderly people being found, their first thought was “Why won’t Trump hurry up and tell us how this storm will effect...
October 2012
10 posts
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News Anchor That Pauses At The Wrong Moments
“Sources are reporting that actress and former child star Lindsay Lohan has passed on… the opportunity to reprise her role in Scary Movie 6.”
“Some breaking news to report: It appears that tabloid personality Lindsay Lohan has taken her own life…into consideration and enrolled into a rehabilitation clinic.”
...
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Remember when Conan used to do the “If They Mated” segment?
I figured I’d take a shot at one myself. So let’s say Quincy Jones had a kid with, uhhh…I don’t know, let’s say that waitress from Twin Peaks. I mean, it’s like a zero percent chance those two have ever even met, right? Well, if they did meet and mate, their kid might look something...
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Recently, Pepsi became the first brand of soda to pay tribute to a dead drug addicted child molester:
Meanwhile, Dr Pepper did the opposite:
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This Week In Dumb Yahoo! News
An Actress From A 1990s Sitcom Got A Haircut
You haven’t thought of her since 1999, but you’ll want to read this hard hitting article that tackles such important issues as hair products and how long it takes this obscure actress to prepare in the morning. By the end of the article you’ll not only know who Tia Mowry is, but you’ll question why you haven’t been...
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How To (Not) Get Tickets To "Late Night with Jimmy...
After trying to get tickets to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon last week, I feel like this list will prepare anyone else trying to get tickets:
Call a month ahead. Be told that there are no tickets available.
Show up to 30 Rock the morning of the taping to get stand by tickets. They’ll give you the stand by tickets and tell you that you can also get monologue rehearsal tickets by standing...
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September 2012
9 posts
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What The Documentary Crew On "The Office" Must've...
Season 9 Episode 2, Roy’s Wedding
Instead of reading another pointless recap of The Office, why not just read what the unseen documentary crew must have been thinking?
“I thought Andy said last week that he wanted to fire Nellie as soon as possible. So why exactly didn’t he just fire her when she came in brandishing that massive meat cleaver?”
“Oh, really Jim? ...
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Internet Appalled That 68 Year Old Man Doesn't...
The nation was enraged yesterday when a balding 68 year old multimillionaire named Chevy Chase implied in an interview from February that his TV series Community wasn’t the culmination of centuries of human struggle which led to its unlikely creation and need to be worshiped. Of course, by nation, I mean the under 1 million people who watch Community on a weekly basis and found time to...
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You didn’t watch his version of Curb Your Enthusiasm entitled The Paul Reiser Show. You also probably won’t watch his version of Louie entitled Paulie, but he made it anyway. Coming soon to NBC, the series directed by, written by, produced by, key gripped by, and food serviced by Paul Reiser starring Paul Reiser, Paulie.
Only on NBC: We peacock comedy.
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August 2012
8 posts
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Things To Say When You Inevitably Find Yourself At An Instagram Art Gallery
Everyone’s on Instagram nowadays. That includes President Obama, Oprah Winfrey, Dane Cook, and probably your mom since Oprah’s on it and your dumb friend Craig who finds Dane Cook funny. So really it’s just a matter of time until you find yourself in an art gallery staring at a wall of Instagram photos trying to think up...
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Leaked Images From "Breaking Bad" Finale
SPOILER ALERT!!!
Julian Assange just sent me these LEAKED images from the series finale of Breaking Bad:
WOW, CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT HAPPENED??!!!!!!
TALK ABOUT A SPOILER ALERT! I can’t believe that guy died.
Man, this finale is INSANE.
Here it is, the final shot of the series:
If you think those images are crazy, wait until you see the first 10 minutes of the episode that just...
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Separated At Birth?
These people feature an uncanny resemblance to each other. It’s almost UNBELIEVABLE how much they look like each other.
James Conway and Jake Lamotta
J Edgar Hoover and Howard Hughes
Allen Ginsberg and Aron Ralston
Frank Serpico and Jack Kevorkian
Chris Gardner and Muhammad Ali
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Rolling Stones To Release Whiskey, If They Don't...
The Rolling Stones are coming out with their own brand of whiskey. That’s not too surprising considering that they’re probably a bunch of drunks, but what is surprising is that it costs $6,300 a bottle. So right now die hard Stones fans are contemplating paying rent for the next six months or buying this one bottle of whiskey. They’re at the liquor store going “All I...
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