February 2012
13 posts
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Jon Glaser’s Delocated Subway Commercials
It’s funny how these would make absolutely no sense to someone who hasn’t seen Delocated, although I’m guessing they probably only air them during Adult Swim. Subway’s next order of business should be coming out with a sub called “The Meat Suite.”
When you think about it, a...
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Vertical Insensitivity
(Don’t take this seriously) Forms always ask that question “What race do you consider yourself?” Like, if I’m white I could consider myself to be an Alaskan Eskimo if I wanted. Well I say why can’t the same logic be applied to height? I’m a little over 6 feet tall, so I always get the question “Did you ever play basketball?” That’s a stereotype and highly offensive. I suppose they think...
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Person, Or Robot?
I was at the dentist yesterday reading People Magazine in the waiting room, which is actually the only place people read People Magazine. While thumbing through the latest unnecessary celebrity news, I saw something in the obituary section that seemed really wrong but kind of funny. The man who voiced the robot on Lost In Space, Dick Tufeld, died and instead of putting a picture of him they...
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This just in: 9 out of 10 Smurfs prefer the taste of Bud Light Platinum to whatever Bud Light Platinum’s competitors are.
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Good One, Jay.
Good one, Jay!
*cue guitar solo*
This has been Good One, Jay, where a photo of Kevin Eubanks sarcastically says “Good one, Jay” in response to one of Jay Leno’s bad monologue jokes posted to Twitter.
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Adam Sandler is set to write and star in a movie adaptation of the popular board game Candy Land, which is a real thing. At least he can re-use this “get chocolate wasted” scene.
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Alien Or Paul Shaffer?
It’s time to play Alien or Paul Shaffer, the game where you determine if a picture is of a space alien or if it’s just a picture of Paul Shaffer in a weird outfit. Let’s get started, is this an Alien or Paul Shaffer?
The correct answer is “Paul Shaffer,” in the photo entitled “Paul Shaffer Phone Home.”
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Dumb Things People Do On Facebook
I’m sure there have been thousands of articles about dumb things people do on Facebook, but I never see people mention some of these:
Rooting For Sports Teams
On Sundays, my friends’ status updates are always like “Go Patriots!!!” and I’m always thinking, “you know, I think Tom Brady and the rest of the New England Patriots staff might be a little too busy to be reading Chuck from...
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Boyd Crowder Is An Unironic Hipster
If you watch Justified, you’ll notice that Boyd Crowder dresses just like a hipster, but not ironically. I suppose people living in the backwoods of Kentucky don’t know much about hipsters and their wardrobe.
The Evidence:
Cardigan? Yep.
Glasses he probably doesn’t need? Check.
Plaid shirt buttoned all the way to the top and hair that looks like he just woke up? You...
January 2012
30 posts
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HBO is coming out with a movie about Sarah Palin starring Julianne Moore. It turns out the name they wanted to use is already the title of an FX show:
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Top 10 Things Demi Moore Said After Experiencing Amnesia:
Demi Moore, who is famous for some reason, recently experienced amnesia after inhaling nitrous oxide. The good thing about amnesia is that it makes all these year old jokes relevant again:
10. What’s amnesia? I can’t remember.
9. The Black Smoke Monster was who?
8. Suuure, The Sox won The Series and an African American...
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If I Was A Classic Rock DJ
All that it takes to be a classic rock DJ is to make sure that “Sultans Of Swing” is playing every time someone turns on the radio. So that would be the only song I would ever play, and I would make a ton of cheesy references to it:
DJ DJ here, that’s right, my initials are DJ and I’m a DJ. You’re listening to nine in row on Classic Rock Ninety-Six-Nine,...
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The Only "Newt" I'm Voting For:
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In News That Sounds Like A "Work It" Spinoff...
The Late Show with David Letterman recently fired their stand up booker Eddie Brill for only booking one female comedian last year and saying that women comedians weren’t “authentic.” ABC already canceled their terrible show Work It, but if it was successful you could bet that this would be the premise of a spinoff: Two women comedians struggling to make it in the man’s...
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Burger King Delivers, Paula Deen Gets Diabetes
Believe it or not, Burger King starting a delivery service and Paula Deen getting diabetes are two completely unrelated stories. Although they are somewhat related, due to the fact that ordering Burger King will give you diabetes.
Burger King is testing out it’s home delivery service in several states in the hopes that it will catch on like pizza deliveries. Home delivery does solve...
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Smart Phones Now Available In Window Form
If your Samsung WiFi Refrigerator is on the fritz and you still have a ton of money to waste, you can now purchase a Samsung Smart Window. The Smart Window is like a TV and a computer all in one, all in the convenient access point of your window. This technology solves many of life’s biggest problems. For instance, say you want to check your Twitter feed but don’t have a phone,...
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A Brief History Of Twitter Feeds Belonging To...
Despite all of these NBC sanctioned tweets telling people to mark their calenders and not forget to watch, nobody watched. The weird thing is that NBC’s Twitter account still follows all of these canceled shows, basically advertising their failure as a network. All of these tweets are just sitting there begging to be ironically retweeted.
Remember Outsourced? That Indian guy’s...
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OJ Simpson FINALLY admits to being guilty…
of speeding 22 years ago.
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Fox To Cancel Only Remaining Decent Show
The network that brought you a Napoleon Dynamite cartoon eight years late is considering canceling it’s ratings struggled yet critically acclaimed sci-fi show Fringe. Fox’s entertainment chief called the show a “point of pride” but said “at that rating on a Friday night, it’s impossible to make money.” Maybe Fox should have considered not putting the...
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Stuff I Found Funny A Week Ago (9)
Here’s some stuff that was funny last week.
(Now with embedded videos because I finally know how to embed videos now.)
Tracy Morgan is hunting for Big Foot. Too bad he’s not hunting for Big Chin, who he was sitting right next to (here).
What is it, 2004? Napoleon Dynamite was on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon (here).
Portlandia is back on, and still funny (here).
Delocated is...
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Jokes
Topical monologue jokes from the week of 1/9/13*, and some older ones.
Sinead O’Connor, who was divorced due to buying crack on her wedding night, says she and her husband are back together as boyfriend and girlfriend. Although this could be unreliable info, due to her BEING ON CRACK.
This week Facebook debuted their new feature “Timeline,” which allows users to look back at all the major...
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Palin Rides Mechanical Bull, Makes Life Decisions
I found an article on Yahoo, and realized that this is what constitutes as actual news today: Daughters of former vice presidential candidates riding mechanical bulls.
The article is about how Bristol Palin and her son are moving back to Alaska after growing tired of the Hollywood lifestyle of desperately begging for attention. Here’s an excerpt:
“The 21-year-old mom reveals...
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A Final Pitch From Billy Mays
HI, BILLY MAYS HERE FOR RETRO TV CASE! Remember when TV’s were huge pieces of furniture the whole family gathered around? Well those days are back with Retro TV Case!
Confused and frustrated by all your different TV remotes? There’s one for the TV, one for the cable box, one for the DVD, it’s just so hard! Well, not to worry anymore! The Retro TV Case is just like a TV...
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Insanity
They say insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results. I say insanity is posting the same blog post and expecting different results.
posted 11:40 on 1/5/12 - 0 likes
They say insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results. I say insanity is posting the same blog post and expecting different results.
posted 12:20 on 1/6/12 - 0 likes
They say...
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Dunkin' Donuts: Store Expansion Or Population...
By Jesse Ventura
This week Dunkin’ Donuts announced plans to double it’s number of American locations. Is it just me or does this sound like one of the biggest conspiracies ever concocted on American soil? I have strong reason to believe that Dunkin’ Donuts is conspiring with the Levi Jean Corporation to double, maybe even triple, the average American pant size by the year...
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Letters You'll Receive After Legally Downloading...
Jack and Jill comes out on iTunes and DVD soon. Be prepared to receive these letters if you purchase the movie.
Letter #1 From Comcast
Dear Comcast High Speed Internet Subscriber,
Comcast has received no notifications of copyright infringement made on your Comcast High Speed Internet IP address, however we have received some troubling information. The file listed below was legally downloaded...
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Recapping The Season Finale Of American Horror Story After Having Only Seen The Season Finale Of American Horror Story
The final episode of American Horror Story was the first episode of American Horror Story that I saw. Therefore, the episode delightfully entitled “Afterbirth” was understandably confusing to me. Now I will try to explain what happened in the episode.
What I...
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Lifetime's Celebration Of Women ('s Deaths)
Lifetime Network’s “about” page on their website claims that their goal is to “celebrate women.” That seems odd when considering the Lifetime movies my mom watched when I was little. I don’t remember the names of the movies, mostly because I didn’t want to watch them, but I remember that they didn’t seem to be “celebrating women.”
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Stuff I Found Funny A Week Ago (8)
I know your New Year’s resolution was probably to visit my blog more, so I’m bringing back “Stuff I Found Funny A Week Ago.” Well, it’s more like “Stuff I Found Funny Last Year” if you want to get technical about it.
Splitsider recapped 2011’s best humor writing (here).
For some reason, Will Ferrell made ads for Old Milwaukee (here).
David...
December 2011
10 posts
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"Lopez Five Months Ago"
The website Tauntr.com posted the exact same thing as I did, about four months after I posted it. I posted George Lopez Mugging For The Camera At Historical Events on August 30th, while they posted Fotobombas de George Lopez on December 21st.
I guess I can’t be mad since the idea’s not that original. Once someone sees that photo of George Lopez they’ll want to photoshop it in...
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In Memoriam
These celebrities didn’t die in 2011, but your memory of why they’re famous probably did.
Tim Tebow- Say what you will about Tim Tebow, but just keep in mind that I have no idea who that is.
Howard K. Stern- Howard Stern is best known for hosting his radio show with Robin Quivers, while Howard K Stern is known for hoisting his gun while robbin’ liquor stores. Well, not...
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Every Episode Of Dog The Bounty Hunter Ever
They say that right before you die your life flashes before your eyes. Unfortunately, a significant portion of life is watching marathons of Dog The Bounty Hunter. Sure, every episode is the same, but it’s still entertaining. In case you don’t want to be entertained through the various hijinks of The Dog Clan, here’s a summary of...
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Blog Pretension
“I think it’s kind of pretentious for people to put their own quotes on their blog and then sign their name at the bottom. I know whose blog I’m reading, I don’t need them to sign every post. I can honestly say that I would NEVER do something like that.”
- Dan Hanlon
“I also think it’s pretentious for people to post screenshots of their own tweets to...
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