Person Of The Year
The “It’s Dan’s Blog” Person Of The Year award goes to that monkey from all those TV shows, Crystal The Monkey. Sure, it might be weird that the Person Of The Year isn’t a person, but monkeys are people too, right? PETA would agree that I’m a person treating this animal ethically and that I don’t discriminate in terms of species for meaningless fake awards on the Internet.
If you’re like me and not familiar with Crystal The Monkey at all, that’s because you have decent taste in TV shows and movies and don’t watch things with monkeys in them. You may have not seen her in projects like Night At The Museum, The Hangover II, Zookeeper, We Bought A Zoo, Animal Practice and this blog post. If you do have decent taste, you may have seen this monkey on Community. That’s right, this monkey gets more work than Paul Reiser (Person Of The Year runner-up), but a little bit less than Whitney Cummings.
In case you were feeling good about the amount of money you make, Crystal The Monkey made $12,000 an episode on Animal Practice. So, yeah, a monkey made more money in one week than you’ll make in months. Also, apparently monkeys can spend money now.
I’ll leave you with this somewhat insulting to humans quote from Ken Jeong, actor in Community and Hangover II:
“She’s amazing. She’s not a monkey, she’s an actor. And quite possibly the best actor I’ve worked with.”
Since the Internet doesn’t have a laugh track like popular television sitcoms, it’s hard to tell if something is supposed to be funny. Well, now that problem is solved with The Kevin Eubanks Laugh Activation Indicator. With the Kevin Eubanks Laugh Activation Indicator you’ll never have to worry if you should be laughing at something again, Kevin Eubanks’ image will just pop up on your screen and tell you exactly how funny something is. Through a patented 2 Stage Laugh Activation Process, The Laugh Indicator will determine when something is “Funny,” or “Super Funny,” and tell you exactly how much to laugh so you can fully enjoy the hilariousness that is the website you happen to be reading.
UPDATE: Now officially endorsed by Kevin Eubanks through a re-tweet on Twitter.
What Would Be The Greatest, Possibly Dumbest, Video On The Internet
If I knew how to edit videos, I would make a video that has all the scenes in Twin Peaks where characters drink coffee and then cut to Alec Baldwin yelling “PUT THAT COFFEE DOWN!”
So just play these two videos back to back:
Canadian Club Reminds You That You Too Can Have Awesome Crippling Alcoholism Like Don Draper
The season 5 Blu-Ray of Mad Men features this insert and a video about how to make cocktails featuring what the main character Don Draper considers water, Canadian Club. It’s nice to see an alcohol company fully embrace a total alcoholic character like Don Draper (pictured below) instead of asking to have footage of their product removed, like Budweiser is doing to the movie Flight that features Denzel Washington’s alcoholic character drinking Budweiser. It’s nice to have them basically say, “This character gets drunk all day, drinks and drives, and loses his family, but hey, we approve and encourage you to do the same…drink smart!”
Here are some Mad Men ads about Don Draper that Canadian Club might think are too “on the nose.”
- Next time you abandon your family on your daughter’s birthday to go get drunk by the railroad tracks and stare off in to darkness, choose Canadian Club Whiskey: Aged 12 years, the same age as the daughter you’ll disappoint.
- If you enjoy getting slapped by a prostitute on Thanksgiving morning, you’ll enjoy Premium Extra Aged Canadian Club Whisky…Goes down smooth!
- After you cause two people to hang themselves, boy does a classic Canadian Club cocktail hit the spot!
- Ever started drinking on a Friday afternoon and woken up on Sunday morning with some random waitress and a phone call from your ex-wife telling you that you forgot to pick up the kids and that it’s not the day you think it is? Well we hope you chose smooth Canadian Club Whisky.
Stock photo of Don Draper below:
By the way, why isn’t Budweiser also trying to get removed from Mad Men? Don Draper drinks Budweiser (pictured below) when he’s cutting down on his drinking in the season 4 episode Summer Man, of course, “cutting down” meaning only eight drinks a day.
Anyway, drink up! It’s the holidays®™. (Registered trademark, Canadian Club Whisky, 2012.)
Donald Trump: Expert Human
Judging by Donald Trump’s Twitter page, he is an all around expert at everything. See for yourself:
Donald Trump: Construction Expert!
Donald Trump: Ratings Expert!
Donald Trump: Relationship Expert!
Donald Trump: Medical Expert!
Donald Trump: Football Expert!
Donald Trump: Legal Expert!
Donald Trump: Medical and “Environment” Expert!
Donald Trump: Dieting Expert!
Donald Trump: Graphic Design Expert!
Donald Trump: Comedy Expert!
Donald Trump: Graphic Design Expert!
Donald Trump: Meteorology Expert!
Donald Trump: Beauty Expert!
Trump Addresses Your Main Hurricane Related Concern - The 13th Season Of Celebrity Apprentice
I know that when everyone heard that Hurricane Sandy was coming, their first thought was, “I really hope this doesn’t effect Celebrity Apprentice.” I’m also sure that when everyone read the articles about bodies of children and elderly people being found, their first thought was “Why won’t Trump hurry up and tell us how this storm will effect Celebrity Apprentice already?” Well, in between tweets insulting the President for helping those effected by Hurricane Sandy, he FINALLY tweeted about how this storm will effect the 13th season of Celebrity Apprentice: The filming will be adjusted.
DON’T WORRY EVERYONE! Everything is going to be okay. CALM DOWN! He tweeted that all the mega-celebrities like Dennis Rodman and Bret Michaels are going to be okay. Sure, people may have died horrific deaths, but wouldn’t they want you to carry on their memory by watching Celebrity Apprentice, March 3rd at 9/8c on NBC? I think a dose of Gary Busey and Stephen Baldwin is what everyone needs during these trying times.
“All-Star Celebrity Apprentice- It’s Going To Be Huge, Like My Ego.”
Homeland is one of the best shows on TV, but I have to say that I didn’t think this scene was very realistic. I mean, a terrorist is being interrogated in the other room and Carrie and Saul are just sitting around watching reruns of Everybody Loves Raymond? Hey, I love Raymond as much as the next guy but get your priorities straight, watch the interrogation. Plus they’ve got like four different episodes playing, probably one on WGN, one on TBS, one on The CW, or maybe The Hallmark Channel. Ray Romano just made $2 million in syndication while you were reading that sentence. But you’ve gotta admit that’s a pretty sweet set-up they’ve got there.
I also thought that interrogation scene was really bizarre. The interrogator brought out that laptop and said “I’ve got something I’d like you to watch,” then just started playing the pilot of Men Of A Certain Age. Then he left the room and was like “Let him suck on that.” I thought Men of A Certain Age was a great show, although, I suppose it would be a shock to a guy who lived in a hole for 8 years replaying episodes of Raymond in his head. Men Of A Certain Age was kind of depressing, which is why Brody started crying, I guess? I don’t know, I’m confused.
Anyway, it was a really weird episode. I’m starting to think someone altered the video in my download or something.
I voted early yesterday, and it was kind of weird afterwards when Jeff Probst popped up from behind the machine and said “Once the votes are read, the decision is final, the person with the fewest votes will be asked to leave the country immediately. I’ll go tally the votes,” then sprinted out of the room with a bucket full of the votes and jumped on a moving helicopter.
The other weird part was that on the side of the machine it said “PROPERTY OF TAGG ROMNEY” and electrocuted me whenever I tried to press anything other than Romney. Then Tagg popped up from where ever Jeff Probst was hiding and took a swing at me. I really wouldn’t have known it was Tagg Romney, but he kept sobbing and yelling “MY NAME IS TAGG ROMNEY! TAGG!!! HOW COULD THEY NAME ME TAGG??”
News Anchor That Pauses At The Wrong Moments
“Sources are reporting that actress and former child star Lindsay Lohan has passed on… the opportunity to reprise her role in Scary Movie 6.”
“Some breaking news to report: It appears that tabloid personality Lindsay Lohan has taken her own life…into consideration and enrolled into a rehabilitation clinic.”
“Family and friends are saying that Lindsay Lohan just died…when she found out she would film a scene with Charlie Sheen in the new film Scary Movie 5. Here to talk about it is Lindsay…”
“A source close to the situation is saying that Lindsay Lohan was discovered in her bed this morning…instead of in court for her latest hit and run case.”
“Lindsay Lohan was shot early this morning…by a police photographer for her latest mugshot.”
“With a career that spanned over two decades, 26 year old Lindsay Lohan will never be forgotten….as the star of Parent Trap, which is something she hopes to change with her role in the new film Liz & Dick.”