Private detectives holding a guy hostage on a boat and interrogating him has now been done on two of my favorite TV shows, “Terriers,” and “True Detective.” Since “True Detective” is an anthology show, I think they should just make its second season be the second season of the canceled way too soon “Terriers.”
I read an article where Kristen Bell said the only “vice” she allows herself is green tea. What a coincidence, my only vice is eating healthy well balanced meals.
I always think it’s weird in movies and TV shows when a character is going undercover or trying to not look suspicious they put on a plain baseball hat. If anything, this would make me more suspicious of the person. Who wears a blank solid color hat? I’ve literally never seen someone wearing a hat with nothing on it. What, does this guy just like wearing hats? He doesn’t want his hat to make a statement about a sports team? He’s just a “hat guy?” It’s all very suspicious, I think he’s trying to pull one over on me. You know, I think it’s blank because he doesn’t know anything about sports. He seems to have gone out of his way to avoid being questioned about the Atlanta Braves record by not wearing an Atlanta Braves hat. I think he doesn’t know about sports because he spends all his time solving crimes AS A COP! He’s a cop! Are you wearing a wire?!
I’ve been watching The Sopranos for the first time recently. I’ve waited so long to watch it that everything is dated. It’s almost a period piece like “Mad Men,” but in the late ’90s. For example:
Tony buys his mom “one of these new CD players.” According to him they’re starting to put all the classics out on compact disc.
Tony says “Man, these laserdiscs are great, right?” Then they rob a truck full of DVD players.
Christopher robs a truck full of Pokemon cards.
Tony mecilessly beats a man with a Big Mouth Billy Bass. Also, Big Mouth Billy Bass plays into a large part of the story as symbolism.
Anthony Jr says “That’s phat.”
Jerry Seinfeld confirmed there will be a “Seinfeld” reunion after he was spotted filming in New York with Jason Alexander. Most people are asking if it’s going to be a TV episode, a web video, or a commercial, but what I’m asking is if Jason Alexander had to shave off his new head of hair. Assuming it’s not a toupee, would he take the risk of shaving off the hair that he probably spent a lot of money to be able to grow? Because it might not grow back. Or he could go the bald cap route. Just think of the irony of a famously bald man wearing a bald cap. Either way is bad. He could lose all that money he spent on the team of scientists that grew his hair back, or he would have to walk around in a bald cap while knowing everyone is laughing at him for being a bald guy who thinks he isn’t bald. It’s a tough decision, I don’t envy him. Well, yeah, I do. He’s probably a billionaire. I’d definitely shave my head for some of that Jason Alexander Seinfeld syndication money.
I hope there’s a scene in “True Detective” where Rust is on a long rant when the screen goes black and says “Four Days Later,” then cuts back to Rust still ranting, only now with a full beard and a table full of 70 empty beer cans, hundreds of cigarette butts, and the two detectives sleeping.
I’ve met a few people who say they don’t know how to read analog clocks. The opposite is true for me, I can’t read digital clocks. Like, what does this say?
I have no idea. Whenever there’s a bomb in a movie, I’m like “How many seconds is left?”
But Seriously, if you can’t read an analog clock, you’re an idiot. There’s no excuse. You can teach yourself in two minutes. There’s no book called Reading Clocks For Dummies, because it would be a flyer.
A Bad 1980s Stand Up Comedy Routine About Summer Sausage
It’s the holidays, you know what that means, time to go to the mall. Have you ever noticed the Hickory Farms sausage booth? They sell all kinds of summer sausage. I mean, what’s the deal with this summer sausage? It’s the dead of winter out but it’s the only time all year they sell SUMMER sausage? Do I have to wait until the summer to eat it? You’ll have to ask the cashier, “Excuse me sir, when do I eat this?” They shouldn’t call it summer sausage, they should call it “Sausage We Sell In The Winter To Eat In The Summer!”
And who buys sausage in a mall? Who are these people? They must have the attention span of a fly, “We gotta pick up a few shirts at The Belk, ooh look honey, sausage! Let’s buy three pounds of it! Never mind that this is a place to buy clothes, let’s buy some non-refrigerated bulk meat!”
I read that Justin Beiber has been drinking sizzurp, a drink made of cough syrup, Jolly Ranchers, and Sprite. If you’re going to graduate from alcohol to a whole other level of substance, at least do it the manly way like Joaquin Phoenix’s alcoholic WWII veteran character in “The Master” and drink some paint thinner moonshine, torpedo fuel, or photo developing chemicals. If people like his character are alive today they’re in a hospital bed with machines hooked up to them, reading the news about Beiber, and saying “Amateur.”
So Keith Richards snorted his fathers ashes and Beiber drank some cough syrup. The dude can’t even be a drug addicted rock star right, Richards is like “Get on my level, Beibs!”
It’s Too Early For Bo Time
The radio station I listen to in the morning refers to their studio as “The Bojangle’s It’s Bo Time Breakfast Studio.” With a name like that I can’t take any thing they say seriously. Just think of how ridiculous it sounds:
"There seems to be a major crash on Main Street with multiple injuries. We’ll be here to bring you more updates from The Bojangle’s It’s Bo Time Breakfast Studio."
"We’re here live at the Bojangle’s It’s Bo Time Breakfast Studio where we’ve just received word of an escaped prisoner on the loose. He is considered armed and extremely dangerous."
It’s way too early in the morning to be hearing the “It’s Bo Time!” sound bite at every commercial break. At least wait until after I consume my first 5,000 calorie Bojangle’s breakfast of the day.
It’s A Hoax!
I’m sick of everything on the internet turning out to be a hoax, although I guess it’s good that the North Korean guy didn’t really get ripped apart by 120 starving dogs. There is one popular story that I’m calling a hoax before it comes out as a hoax, and that would be the Pappy Van Winkle bourbon heist. If you’re not familiar, somebody stole 195 bottles of the most expensive and hardest to find bourbon in the world from the Buffalo Trace Distillery. Police think it was an inside job, and I agree. It was an inside job by their marketing department.
All you ever hear about Pappy Van Winkle bourbon is that it’s so impossible to find that people have been on wait lists for twenty years and that people end up selling a bottle for thousands of dollars. That’s a lot of word-of-mouth, so just look how much more word-of-mouth was created when their marketing department created this mysterious heist story. It’s just like that episode of “Mad Men” where Pete and Peggy hire those actresses to fight over a ham in a grocery store. Now people who wouldn’t even know that Pappy Van Winkle isn’t a character from a children’s tale are talking about Pappy Van Winkle bourbon. People that did know about it are probably now willing to pay even more money now that the hardest to get bourbon in the world is now even harder to get.
You’re probably asking how or why the police are acting like they’re investigating this fake heist. Well, Buffalo Trace probably gave the cops a few bottles and told them to make a big deal out of it and get people talking. And it worked, I’m writing this and you’re reading it (is anyone reading this?) while the cops and marketing department are drunk on thousand dollar bourbon.
I GUARANTEE that this is a hoax. Why people can’t see that, I don’t know. People actually believe that video of the guy claiming to be Conan O’Brien’s kid is serious. How big of an idiot does someone have to be to not see that it’s a comedy video? Grow some sense, America. I am now a conspiracy theorist. Are the Buffalo Trace employees lizard people? That’s what they want you to think, man! I’m off to go see my new pal Jesse Ventura.
Testing Positive For Stupidity
Every time that it comes out that an athlete tested positive for steroids I just find it funny that a grown up person took drugs to be good at games. It seems like a childish thing to do, like if you told a kid he could take a shot to be better at kickball, he’d do it. But if a grown up does it they just look like an insanely stupid person. It’s a game. They’re putting their life on the line, health-wise and reputation-wise, to be good at a game.
I wonder where these athletes draw the line in what’s considered a game. Does Alex Rodriguez call up his dealer and be like “I got a game of Boggle with the in-laws coming up this weekend, it’s gonna be pretty intense, can you score me some blow?” It’s a tricky slope, one minute you’re taking steroids to be good at baseball, the next you’re snorting lines of coke to stay up all night playing Boggle.
People shouldn’t do drugs to be good at games, they should do drugs because they’re sick, rich, or have nothing else. Some athlete should do a PSA about steroids and say “Don’t do drugs to be good at games, do drugs because your life has hit rock bottom.” Then they just show a guys wife and kids leaving him and then cut to the guy in an dark alley drinking a 40 and smoking crack with Rob Ford.
You know, I think a man wiser than you or me once said “Stay off the crack, drink chocolate milk.” And yes, that man was Charlie Sheen.