I hope there’s a scene in “True Detective” where Rust is on a long rant when the screen goes black and says “Four Days Later,” then cuts back to Rust still ranting, only now with a full beard and a table full of 70 empty beer cans, hundreds of cigarette butts, and the two detectives sleeping.
I’ve met a few people who say they don’t know how to read analog clocks. The opposite is true for me, I can’t read digital clocks. Like, what does this say?
I have no idea. Whenever there’s a bomb in a movie, I’m like “How many seconds is left?”
But Seriously, if you can’t read an analog clock, you’re an idiot. There’s no excuse. You can teach yourself in two minutes. There’s no book called Reading Clocks For Dummies, because it would be a flyer.
A Bad 1980s Stand Up Comedy Routine About Summer Sausage
It’s the holidays, you know what that means, time to go to the mall. Have you ever noticed the Hickory Farms sausage booth? They sell all kinds of summer sausage. I mean, what’s the deal with this summer sausage? It’s the dead of winter out but it’s the only time all year they sell SUMMER sausage? Do I have to wait until the summer to eat it? You’ll have to ask the cashier, “Excuse me sir, when do I eat this?” They shouldn’t call it summer sausage, they should call it “Sausage We Sell In The Winter To Eat In The Summer!”
And who buys sausage in a mall? Who are these people? They must have the attention span of a fly, “We gotta pick up a few shirts at The Belk, ooh look honey, sausage! Let’s buy three pounds of it! Never mind that this is a place to buy clothes, let’s buy some non-refrigerated bulk meat!”
I read that Justin Beiber has been drinking sizzurp, a drink made of cough syrup, Jolly Ranchers, and Sprite. If you’re going to graduate from alcohol to a whole other level of substance, at least do it the manly way like Joaquin Phoenix’s alcoholic WWII veteran character in “The Master” and drink some paint thinner moonshine, torpedo fuel, or photo developing chemicals. If people like his character are alive today they’re in a hospital bed with machines hooked up to them, reading the news about Beiber, and saying “Amateur.”
So Keith Richards snorted his fathers ashes and Beiber drank some cough syrup. The dude can’t even be a drug addicted rock star right, Richards is like “Get on my level, Beibs!”
It’s Too Early For Bo Time
The radio station I listen to in the morning refers to their studio as “The Bojangle’s It’s Bo Time Breakfast Studio.” With a name like that I can’t take any thing they say seriously. Just think of how ridiculous it sounds:
"There seems to be a major crash on Main Street with multiple injuries. We’ll be here to bring you more updates from The Bojangle’s It’s Bo Time Breakfast Studio."
"We’re here live at the Bojangle’s It’s Bo Time Breakfast Studio where we’ve just received word of an escaped prisoner on the loose. He is considered armed and extremely dangerous."
It’s way too early in the morning to be hearing the “It’s Bo Time!” sound bite at every commercial break. At least wait until after I consume my first 5,000 calorie Bojangle’s breakfast of the day.
It’s A Hoax!
I’m sick of everything on the internet turning out to be a hoax, although I guess it’s good that the North Korean guy didn’t really get ripped apart by 120 starving dogs. There is one popular story that I’m calling a hoax before it comes out as a hoax, and that would be the Pappy Van Winkle bourbon heist. If you’re not familiar, somebody stole 195 bottles of the most expensive and hardest to find bourbon in the world from the Buffalo Trace Distillery. Police think it was an inside job, and I agree. It was an inside job by their marketing department.
All you ever hear about Pappy Van Winkle bourbon is that it’s so impossible to find that people have been on wait lists for twenty years and that people end up selling a bottle for thousands of dollars. That’s a lot of word-of-mouth, so just look how much more word-of-mouth was created when their marketing department created this mysterious heist story. It’s just like that episode of “Mad Men” where Pete and Peggy hire those actresses to fight over a ham in a grocery store. Now people who wouldn’t even know that Pappy Van Winkle isn’t a character from a children’s tale are talking about Pappy Van Winkle bourbon. People that did know about it are probably now willing to pay even more money now that the hardest to get bourbon in the world is now even harder to get.
You’re probably asking how or why the police are acting like they’re investigating this fake heist. Well, Buffalo Trace probably gave the cops a few bottles and told them to make a big deal out of it and get people talking. And it worked, I’m writing this and you’re reading it (is anyone reading this?) while the cops and marketing department are drunk on thousand dollar bourbon.
I GUARANTEE that this is a hoax. Why people can’t see that, I don’t know. People actually believe that video of the guy claiming to be Conan O’Brien’s kid is serious. How big of an idiot does someone have to be to not see that it’s a comedy video? Grow some sense, America. I am now a conspiracy theorist. Are the Buffalo Trace employees lizard people? That’s what they want you to think, man! I’m off to go see my new pal Jesse Ventura.
Testing Positive For Stupidity
Every time that it comes out that an athlete tested positive for steroids I just find it funny that a grown up person took drugs to be good at games. It seems like a childish thing to do, like if you told a kid he could take a shot to be better at kickball, he’d do it. But if a grown up does it they just look like an insanely stupid person. It’s a game. They’re putting their life on the line, health-wise and reputation-wise, to be good at a game.
I wonder where these athletes draw the line in what’s considered a game. Does Alex Rodriguez call up his dealer and be like “I got a game of Boggle with the in-laws coming up this weekend, it’s gonna be pretty intense, can you score me some blow?” It’s a tricky slope, one minute you’re taking steroids to be good at baseball, the next you’re snorting lines of coke to stay up all night playing Boggle.
People shouldn’t do drugs to be good at games, they should do drugs because they’re sick, rich, or have nothing else. Some athlete should do a PSA about steroids and say “Don’t do drugs to be good at games, do drugs because your life has hit rock bottom.” Then they just show a guys wife and kids leaving him and then cut to the guy in an dark alley drinking a 40 and smoking crack with Rob Ford.
You know, I think a man wiser than you or me once said “Stay off the crack, drink chocolate milk.” And yes, that man was Charlie Sheen.
This same DVD box set of The Apprentice Season One has been for sale at the same BJ’s Wholesale Club for years. Season one was in 2004 and the store opened sometime around then, so I’d say it’s been on the shelf for at least eight years. I remember seeing it on the shelf in high school, now I’m two and a half years out of college. They even moved and condensed the DVD section last year but somehow it still survived.
They could at least put it on sale. The package is all frayed and ripped. Also there is literally no demand for a DVD of The Apprentice. Donald Trump definitely didn’t make millions selling these DVD sets. In fact, I’m willing to bet he lost money. At this point I should just buy it as a collectors item, a relic of a time when Donald Trump actually thought people wanted to pay money to REWATCH his show.
I bet the staff knows about this DVD, and whoever buys it will be talked about forever. Like “remember that weird dude who paid money to own a ten year old hard copy of The Apprentice?” That, or it’s a contest run by The Donald himself. When the DVD is scanned at the cash register, The Donald comes flying down from the rafters on a jet pack with balloons and a giant check and says “Bad news is you’re fired. Good news is you’re the only person on Earth that bought my DVD so now I will share with you my billions of dollars!” Also an Ed McMahon lookalike is with him for some reason.
So whenever The Donald goes on another racist insane Twitter tirade (RITT, for short), just remember the guy couldn’t sell a DVD set for ten years.
I always listen to a classic rock station when I’m driving. I’m always thinking “How can they possibly play this song again? Play something different for once!” Then this week they actually started playing different stuff. About two minutes in and I’m like “What is this crap? Play the classics! It’s called classic rock, not random songs nobody’s ever heard.” Then I changed it to the other classic rock station that also claims to be “Richmond’s Only Classic Rock Station.”
I guess they answered my question as to why they play the same songs all the time.