Testing Positive For Stupidity
Every time that it comes out that an athlete tested positive for steroids I just find it funny that a grown up person took drugs to be good at games. It seems like a childish thing to do, like if you told a kid he could take a shot to be better at kickball, he’d do it. But if a grown up does it they just look like an insanely stupid person. It’s a game. They’re putting their life on the line, health-wise and reputation-wise, to be good at a game.
I wonder where these athletes draw the line in what’s considered a game. Does Alex Rodriguez call up his dealer and be like “I got a game of Boggle with the in-laws coming up this weekend, it’s gonna be pretty intense, can you score me some blow?” It’s a tricky slope, one minute you’re taking steroids to be good at baseball, the next you’re snorting lines of coke to stay up all night playing Boggle.
People shouldn’t do drugs to be good at games, they should do drugs because they’re sick, rich, or have nothing else. Some athlete should do a PSA about steroids and say “Don’t do drugs to be good at games, do drugs because your life has hit rock bottom.” Then they just show a guys wife and kids leaving him and then cut to the guy in an dark alley drinking a 40 and smoking crack with Rob Ford.
You know, I think a man wiser than you or me once said “Stay off the crack, drink chocolate milk.” And yes, that man was Charlie Sheen.
This same DVD box set of The Apprentice Season One has been for sale at the same BJ’s Wholesale Club for years. Season one was in 2004 and the store opened sometime around then, so I’d say it’s been on the shelf for at least eight years. I remember seeing it on the shelf in high school, now I’m two and a half years out of college. They even moved and condensed the DVD section last year but somehow it still survived.
They could at least put it on sale. The package is all frayed and ripped. Also there is literally no demand for a DVD of The Apprentice. Donald Trump definitely didn’t make millions selling these DVD sets. In fact, I’m willing to bet he lost money. At this point I should just buy it as a collectors item, a relic of a time when Donald Trump actually thought people wanted to pay money to REWATCH his show.
I bet the staff knows about this DVD, and whoever buys it will be talked about forever. Like “remember that weird dude who paid money to own a ten year old hard copy of The Apprentice?” That, or it’s a contest run by The Donald himself. When the DVD is scanned at the cash register, The Donald comes flying down from the rafters on a jet pack with balloons and a giant check and says “Bad news is you’re fired. Good news is you’re the only person on Earth that bought my DVD so now I will share with you my billions of dollars!” Also an Ed McMahon lookalike is with him for some reason.
So whenever The Donald goes on another racist insane Twitter tirade (RITT, for short), just remember the guy couldn’t sell a DVD set for ten years.
I always listen to a classic rock station when I’m driving. I’m always thinking “How can they possibly play this song again? Play something different for once!” Then this week they actually started playing different stuff. About two minutes in and I’m like “What is this crap? Play the classics! It’s called classic rock, not random songs nobody’s ever heard.” Then I changed it to the other classic rock station that also claims to be “Richmond’s Only Classic Rock Station.”
I guess they answered my question as to why they play the same songs all the time.
Ads for Hulu Plus should just be the CEO of Hulu speaking in Italian accent:
"Hey, we’re like Netflix but with commercials, okay?! Whaddayagonnado? We gotsum original series too! None ya wanna watch, but we gottem! Hey, send me $7.99 a month and fuggeitaboutit! All I’m sayin’ is it’d be a real shame to miss out on Moone Boy!”
How have scientists not created a way to keep your hair the same length? We can have our hair laser removed so that it never grows and use Rogaine to make our hair grow more, so why can’t we have it stay the same length? It’s a conspiracy! The world’s scientists are in the pocket of “Big Haircut,” the group of multimillion dollar corporations that own hair salons all over this fine country.
Scientists can grow a human ear on the back of a mouse, use a 3D printer to print out human lungs, bomb the moon, and I’m supposed to believe that they haven’t come up with a way to have my hair stay the same length? Whatever happened with that Moon bombing thing anyway? Seemed like it was kind of a stupid thing to do, but I’m no scientist.
The same goes for fingernails. What, we just have to keep trimming our fingernails and toenails like monkeys? Do monkeys trim their fingernails? That might be funny to see. Scientists are obviously in the pocket of “Big Clipper,” the group of multimillion dollar nail clipper manufacturers.
The Internet will find a way, it always makes everything obsolete, even you, Big Haircut and Big Clipper.
Here’s a picture of Jason Alexander aka George Costanza with hair obviously designed by the worlds greatest scientists:
I think CBS might have put too much stock in the belief that people would like Under The Dome. I mean, just look at their fall lineup. Was it really necessary to have all their shows set under domes?
Monday, Sept. 23
8-9pm – How I Met Your Mother Under The Dome
9-9:30pm – 2 Broke Girls Under The Dome
9:30-10pm – Mom Under The Dome
10-11pm – Hostages Under The Dome
Tuesday, Sept. 24
8-9pm – NCIS: Under The Dome
9-10pm – NCIS: Los Angeles: Under The Dome
10-11pm – Person of Interest Under The Dome
Wednesday, Sept. 25
9-10pm – Criminal Minds Under The Dome
10-11pm – CSI: Crime Scene Investigation: Under The Dome
Thursday, Sept. 26
8-8:30pm – The Big Bang Theory Under The Dome
8:30-9pm – The Millers Under The Dome
9-9:30pm – The Crazy Ones Under The Dome
9:30-10pm – Two and a Half Men Under The Dome
10-11pm – Elementary Under The Dome
Friday, Sept. 27
8-9pm – Undercover Boss Under The Dome
9-10pm – Hawaii-Five 0 Under The Dome
10-11pm – Blue Bloods Under The Dome
Saturday, Sept. 28
10-11pm – 48 Hours Under The Dome
Sunday, Sept. 29
7-8pm – 60 Minutes Under The Dome
8-9pm – The Amazing Race Under The Dome
9-10pm – The Good Wife Under The Dome
10-11pm – The Mentalist Under The Dome
Tired Of Being Killed In Ratings, “Anger Management” May Hire Actual Killer
Congrats to FX, they finally found a way to get me to watch Charlie Sheen’s Anger Management. When it premiered, I was like “I’ll watch that when pigs fly and OJ Simpson guest stars!” Cut to today when the rumor is that OJ Simpson is guest starring on Anger Management and a pig is flying in that Geico commercial.
Based on an article I just read, somebody associated with Simpson says the show’s executives want him to guest star but some other person associated with FX says it will never happen. That means it’s happening! Anytime a company denies something, that means it is definitely happening. Set your DVRs (I don’t have one, can I come over?)
Imagine the insanity of a set with Charlie Sheen and OJ Simpson. Of course I’m tuning in. Throw Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes in the episode too, maybe get the Royal Baby. The entire studio audience would be TMZ employees, and I bet that somehow there would be less behind-the-scenes drama than on Community. And OJ is “innocent,” right? I mean, he is legally required to use quotes around the word “innocent,” but why should that or being in prison stop him from being on a terrible TV show?
FX needs me to be watching their channel. I watch just about all of their shows and now they’re taking half of them and putting them on a new channel, FXX. Of course I won’t get FXX on my cable subscription. So that leaves me with the option of paying more money for the exact same content. Not happening. That’s how they reward me for watching Always Sunny In Philadelphia for eight years, even since season one when nobody was watching. I guess I’ll wait for the Blu-Ray. By the way, why are Blu-Rays so hard to find? It’s 2013, DVDs are obsolete. Stop selling them. If he can’t guest star, at least let OJ manufacture FX Blu-Ray discs in prison.
RELATED NEWS: Charles Manson to guest star on Showtime’s Californication.