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Recapping The Season Finale Of American Horror Story After Having Only Seen The Season Finale Of American Horror Story

The final episode of American Horror Story was the first episode of American Horror Story that I saw.  Therefore, the episode delightfully entitled “Afterbirth” was understandably confusing to me.  Now I will try to explain what happened in the episode.

What I gather from the beginning is that the Harmon family moved into a haunted house and the wife was raped by some black suit wearing demon man which led to her being pregnant with some sort of monster baby.  Happens all the time, really.  Then the wife dies giving birth to the monster baby and somehow the daughter dies.  I’m guessing she was killed by that kid who needs a haircut, who I’ll call “Kid Who Needs A Haircut.” Due to them dying in the house, they’re both ghosts now. 

After his whole family has been murdered, the dad with the constant five o’clock shadow, named Ben, gets drunk and tries to blow his brains out.  Only he doesn’t blow his brains out because his dead wife appears to tell him not to blow his brains out and to get the monster baby and leave the house forever.  He does what she says, and then some random lady with a bunch of dudes shows up and hangs Ben from the chandelier.  Then they steal the monster baby, I guess, but somehow the Creepy Grandma gets the monster baby.  The Creepy Grandma then proceeds to laugh at Ben’s lifeless hanging corpse. 

Next a Latino family moves in to the house.  There seems to be a division among the evil ghosts and the normal ghosts.  They seem to disagree as to whether or not they should be evil or normal.  The Harmons and the normal ghosts decide to scare away the new Latino family, which seems kind of racist when you think about it.  While the ghosts are trying to scare away the parents, their skateboarder kid is about to be murdered by The Kid Who Needs A Haircut, who may or may not be a ghost.  Ben’s daughter shows up and talks Kid Who Needs A Haircut out of killing the kid, and then they make out ghost style.  That allows all of the Latinos to run out of the house half naked and drive away in their car. 

Now we see Ghost Ben and Kid Who Needs A Haircut.  Ghost Ben diagnoses Kid as a psychopath incapable of remorse.  Then Kid Who Needs A Haircut admits to a school shooting massacre, burning some people alive, and raping Ben’s wife.  Seems like a real decent guy.

Then there’s some stuff with the monster baby, who may or may not be dead.  There’s some talk as to who will be the monster baby mama.  As the dead Harmon family decorates their ghost Christmas tree, we see Random Girl Who Killed Ben and Kid Who Needs A Haircut standing outside.  We find out that the kid is like the ghost version of an Occupy Wall Street protestor, in that he’s not leaving until he gets the Harmon’s daughter. 

Three years later, The Creepy Grandma is going to get her hair done by some lady who looks like a cross between Suzanne Somers and Joy Behar.  Creepy Grandma gives some long speech about her life that would be really awkward to give to a random hairdresser in real life.  After her speech and her new cougar-like hairdoo, she returns home to the monster baby who is now a monster kid.  She sees blood and follows it into The Kid Formerly Known As Monster Baby’s room.  Turns out Monster Kid killed the Latina babysitter and is sitting in his chair laughing about it, like a racist demon-monster-ghost child would.  Creepy Grandma’s like, “What am I gonna do with you…make you some cookies?” 

So after The Assassination of Babysitter By The Monster Kid Baby, the show’s over.  I’m left with such pressing questions like “Was the Christmas tree alive or was it a ghost?” and “Will that kid ever get a haircut?”  I guess the one lesson I took away from American Horror Story is that if you’re going to move into a haunted house, don’t be Latino.