It's Dan's Blog.

These people feature an uncanny resemblance to each other.  It’s almost UNBELIEVABLE how much they look like each other.

James Conway and Jake Lamotta

J Edgar Hoover and Howard Hughes

Allen Ginsberg and Aron Ralston

Frank Serpico and Jack Kevorkian

Chris Gardner and Muhammad Ali

These celebrities were playing “Two Truths and a Lie,” but it turns out they’re not very good at it.

Drew Peterson:

I murdered my third wife.

I murdered my fourth wife.

I am innocent of all charges.

Mitt Romney:

Many of my good friends are NFL team owners.

Many of my good friends are NASCAR team owners.

I’m just a normal guy, not rich at all.

Kim Kardashian:

I don’t understand how this game works, like, is it on TV?

No really, what am I supposed to do?

I’m getting paid for this, right?

Rick Santorum:

I am homophobic.

I am sexist.

I was born in Indonesia. 

Charlie Sheen:

I snorted coke with a prostitute last night and smoked crack with a porn star this morning.

I smoked crack with a prostitute this morning and snorted coke with a porn star last night.

The only thing I’m addicted to is winning.

Donald Trump:

I lure homeless men to my 1,000 acre property and hunt them for sport, I call it “Trumping,” then I extract hair from my victims and surgically insert the hair into my scalp using a top dollar surgical team with degrees from America’s finest universities. 

I vlog on the YouTube.

I lure homeless men to my 1,00 acre property and hunt them for sport, but I don’t call it “Trumping,” and I use a low budget surgical team to insert the dead hobo’s hair into my scalp…no, wait…..I meant to say I have a show on NBC called The Apprentice.  Yeah, I definitely don’t lure homeless men to my property with the promise of a new life, and then violently murder them for sport.  That one was the lie, for sure.  So just to be clear, I vlog on the YouTube and have a show on NBC, those are the truths, and I definitely do not, under any circumstances, kill homeless men for my pleasure. 

If I asked you which 1990s television star now lives in a shed, Andy Dick, Kirk Cameron, or Jaleel White, you’d probably say Andy Dick, right?  Well, unless Kirk Cameron is on some extreme religious right of passage where he has to live in a shed for six months, it’s probably safe to say Andy Dick would be most likely to live in a shed.  It turns out Andy Dick actually does live in a shed but, you know, it’s a nice shed, as far as sheds go.  It’s even been featured on Celebrity House Hunting. 

Now I’ve never lived in a shed, but I would think one rule of living in a shed would be to never tell people that you live in a shed.  Definitely don’t invite a camera crew over and give them a tour of the shed.  Also, under no circumstances should you reach under your miniature bed for the motor oil bottle filled with urine and show it to the camera crew.  Andy Dick did all of these things on Celebrity House Hunting.

I don’t want to make fun of Andy Dick, mostly because he was hilarious on NewsRadio, and enough people make fun of him already.  But come on, Andy, you live in a shed out back of your ex-girlfriends house.  I can’t just not write a blog post about you showing a bottle of your own urine on national television.  On a positive note, your ex-girlfriend must be pretty cool.  Most ex-girlfriends frown upon ex-boyfriends camping out in a shed in their back yard 24/7. 

I’ll try to stay positive.  Andy’s most recent mugshot is much better than some of his others.  He looks more like “Anderson Cooper on a bender” than his previous “Auditioning for The Joker,” and “Hipster Andy Dick.”

Note: If you call your shed a “man cave,” it’s a lot cooler.

(video at Huffington Post)

Emmy Award winner and Academy Award nominee Alec Baldwin is now the voice of Bonefish Grill.  This adds to his many other endorsements, like Capital One, Hulu, Wegmans, and New Era Caps.  So as you’re reading this, Alec Baldwin is using his Capital One Venture Card while dining in Bonefish Grill and watching Hulu on his mobile device, all while wearing his New Era baseball cap.  Oh, and he’s stopping at Wegmans on the way home to get (product to be endorsed) to drink while he watches 30 Rock, Thursdays 8:00 on NBC.

The weird part about this is that Baldwin’s character on 30 Rock, Jack Donaghy, would probably make fun of Bonefish Grill, radio commercials, and anyone doing radio commercials for Bonefish Grill.  I can hear it now, “His career is dead, Lemon.  Today I heard him on a radio commercial for Bonefish Grill.”  Of course, this brings me to the question, WHY IS ALEC BALDWIN DOING RADIO COMMERCIALS FOR BONEFISH GRILL?  I’m sure he’s a multimillionaire, he’s definitely a great actor, so why not go be in a movie?  Are radio commercials a new stage in the EGOT?  What is it now, EGOTR?  Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, Tony, Radio?  If so, he’s still got a few of those to win before radio.

Even weirder, I’m pretty sure Alec Baldwin has never set foot in a Bonefish Grill.  Somewhere after the first million, you stop making trips to Bonefish Grill.  Are we supposed to believe that out of all the fine restaurants a rich person can choose from, he’s gonna stop by the suburbs to chow on some Bonefish Grill?  I guess we’re supposed to think, “Oh, Alec Baldwin’s just like us, he enjoys a fancy night out at the Bonefish Grill when he can afford it.”

Come on Alec, leave some jobs for Ted Williams, The Man With The Golden Voice.  I bet he’s thinking “That rude thoughtless little pig Alec Baldwin thinks he can make it in radio!”

Apparently Norm Macdonald is performing a concert with a performer you may have heard of.  The performer?  You guessed it, Frank Stallone.

Also, Frank Stallone has never heard of punctuation marks. 

These celebrities didn’t die in 2011, but your memory of why they’re famous probably did. 

Tim Tebow-  Say what you will about Tim Tebow, but just keep in mind that I have no idea who that is. 

Howard K. Stern- Howard Stern is best known for hosting his radio show with Robin Quivers, while Howard K Stern is known for hoisting his gun while robbin’ liquor stores.  Well, not really, but who can remember what he did?  I think he was one of the possible 243 men to impregnate Dog The Bounty Hunter’s wife or something? (May she rest in peace)

Bristol Palin- Currently, the Republican candidates are gearing up for one final push, as is Palin during the birth of her second illegitimate child. 

Mike Tyson-  Tyson has a reality show about pigeons, who he says are just like people, in case you were wondering whether or not he’s crazy.  Tyson also donated a lot of money to Charity this year (Charity is the name of a stripper he beat senseless in 1987).

Ruben Studdard- This year, news came out about Ruben Studdard’s divorce.  Also, news came out that Ruben Studdard was still alive. 

Alfonso Ribeiro- better known as Carlton Banks, and nothing else.

Every Single Baldwin Brother Except Alec- One of them was on a reality show, so were the other ones, I guess.

Brian Dunkleman- The heir to the Dunkin Donuts fortune and former host of the first season of The Marriage Ref only committed career suicide, not actual suicide, thankfully. 

Paul Reiser-  April 14th, 2011-April 22nd, 2011.  The whole crowd from the Florida Marlin’s stadium showed up to watch The Paul Reiser Show.  Unfortunately, that was only 3 dudes and a sleeping dog. 

 Bill O’Reilly- In 2011, Bill O’Reilly went on a comedy tour with Dennis Miller.  Yep, Bill O’Reilly went on a comedy tour with Dennis Miller, because apparently he’s a comedian now.  Which brings us to our next person…

Dennis Miller- In 2011, Dennis Miller went on a comedy tour with Bill O’Reilly.  That pretty much sums up where Dennis Miller’s career is at now: on a comedy tour with Bill O’Reilly.  It actually sounds like one of his jokes, “I was eatin’ some Funyuns backstage at Saskatoon’s Bill O’Reilly Comedy Tour Extravaganza when all of a sudden I realized I wasn’t Livin’ La Vida Loca.” 

Carson Daly-  Last Call with Carson Daly is like your upstairs neighbor: you’ve never seen him, but you know he must exist.    Daly’s like the second rate-slightly straighter version of Ryan Seacrest, who is the 100th rate Dick Clark, who is the 150th rate Regis Philbin.

The Crispy M&M- As Pretzel M&M’s took over, poor ‘Ol Crispy faded into obscurity and hasn’t been seen since.  It’s been rumored that he’s disguised himself as an Advil and has been hiding out in the medicine aisle of your local Ollie’s Bargain Outlet. 

When you first hear the name “Angus T. Jones”, you would think he’s either:

a. A black Blues or Soul singer/guitarist/saxophonist with a deep voice:

b. A hairy guy with a mustache, possibly a professional athlete or a 70’s pornstar:

c. A hamburger chef or Angus beef connoisseur

NOT the chubby kid from the horrible Two and a Half Men.

Therefore, Angus T. Jones wins the award for “World’s Most Misleading Name”.

OJ Simpson and Michael Jackson are both missing gloves. Coincidence? Doubtful.