I went to the NASCAR race in Richmond last weekend and witnessed what I think is the funniest thing I’ve ever seen. While in bumper to bumper traffic after the race, a really drunk guy with a limp is stumbling along side the road. Just watching him walk was painful, he could barely move his legs due to an injury in addition to being totally wasted. He’s talking to random people in cars while struggling to walk when he falls over into the ditch. Then he gets up and starts dancing, stumbles a little farther, and falls back into the ditch. He crawls out of the ditch and starts walking with his knees bent like he has to go to the bathroom. Next he starts skipping and hopping very quickly until he is out of sight, or maybe just lying in another ditch.
I wish I had video taped it so I could send it to Bob Saget or Tom Bergeron or whoever hosts America’s Funniest Home Videos now. I’ve been to every NASCAR race in Richmond since about 1997 and have witnessed drunk redneck fights, keg tosses, people getting thrown out of the stands, and people throwing full beer cans onto the track, but this was the best thing I’ve seen. It’s not everyday that you get to see a drunk guy fall into a ditch not once but twice.
If you like NASCAR or dislike NASCAR, you might like Fake Racing News, a site I just started.
It contains such stupid stories as:
- Edwards To Spend Off Week As Usual, Lustily Glaring At Self In Mirror
- NASCAR’s ‘Chase’ Revealed To Be Elaborate Art Project Of James Franco
- Man Vs Food Host Dies While Eating Martinsville Hot Dog
- Menard Suffers Hairline Fracture, Harvick Suffers Receding Hairline
- Hamlin Wins “Crackhead” Award
- NASCAR Hire A.J. Foyt To Increase Obscenity Laced Tirades
- France Reinstates Mayfield, Welcomes More Recreational Crystal Meth Users
- Kyle Busch Announces Tampax Sponsorship For Remainder of 2011
- Wallace Fined By PETA, NASCAR For Improper Use Of The Word ‘Cats’, Enrolls in ‘PJ College’
- Michael & Mario Andretti Order Paternity Test After Marco Fails To Win
- Smith Drives Out Homeless, Beats Black Man In Joplin, MO
- Secret Fine Issuer Is Secretly Fined
Fake NASCAR Headlines
NASCAR Forces Only Colombian To Adorn Target At All Times
Michael Waltrip To Run Race, Darrell Waltrip To Run Mouth
Jimmy Spencer Loves Donuts, But Not The Burning Rubber Kind
Hamlin Wins Award for “Driver Who’s Appearance And Behavior Most Resemble That Of A Crackhead”
Logano Bears Striking Resemblance To Modern Day Eddie Haskell
Kenseth Caught Drunk On Crown Royal And Jeremiah Weed Malt Liquor
Johnson Vows To Win Championships Until Media Learns How To Spell “Jimmie”
Reutimann Grows Beard To Look More Like Zach Braff
Edwards Savagely Beats Child In ‘Roid Rage
Menard Suffers Hairline Fracture, Harvick Suffers Receding Hairline
Kyle Busch Announces Tampax Sponsorship For Remainder Of 2011 Season
NASCAR’s Chase Revealed To Be Elaborate Art Project Of James Franco’s
See more at http://fakeracingnews.wordpress.com/
Last year, David Reutimann accomplished his goal of winning a NASCAR race and growing a beard to look even more like Zach Braff.
Giving a post-race NASCAR interview requires adhering to a strict guideline, here’s an example:
REPORTER: How did you end up dodging that wreck?
DRIVER: Well the (Sponsor) (Car) ran good all day. I gotta thank all the boys back at the shop for this one and I can’t thank (Team Owner) and (Crew Chief) and the fans enough. (Sponsor 2), (Sponsor 3 ), (Sponsor 4).
Rules to follow:
1. Never answer the question. Instead, completely ignore it and mention your sponsors, car manufacturer and how you “can’t thank” the “boys back a the shop” “enough”. Also, thank the fans no matter how much they hate you.
2. No matter how horrible the car was always mention how great it was since it was brought “off the truck” and say it was “a good points day”.
3. If someone wrecks you, just say “It was just one of them racin’ deals” and that you’ll “keep diggin” next week.
4. If anything controversial happens, just say “It is what it is”.
5. If someone is at home being ravaged by disease, say “I wanna say hi to (Name) and let him know we’re all pullin’ for ‘em”.
6. No matter how horrible of a call NASCAR officials made, say “well, they’re the reason we’re here today, and we’ll trust them to what they say”.
7. If you’re sponsored by a beverage company, hold the bottle towards the camera and act like you’re taking a sip but NEVER actually drink any.
8. At the end of your statement, just rattle off every sponsor without any context.
Here are some examples:
“I can’t thank (Sponsor’s CEO), (Sponsor’s President), (Random Person), and all the fans for comin’ out enough.”
“I think the difference today was the (Car Manufacturer) power under the hood.”
“The (Sponsor) (Car Manufacturer) was good off the truck and just on rails all day.”
“Well, you know, we just got caught up in one of them racin’ deals. But it is what it is and we’ll keep diggin’ and get ‘em next week.”