Forget about The Super Bowl, I’m watching The XFL Million Dollar Game!
Wait..what do you mean it only happened once and doesn’t exist anymore? It was supposed to be “real football” with trash talking announcers, rewards for unnecessary roughness, half naked cheerleaders, teams named after criminal activity, and something called “The Injury Zone.” HOW COULD IT FAIL? Oh, it was on NBC.
The Good, The Ugly, And The Crazy
The Baltimore Orioles are bringing back the orange uniforms and bird hats, which are 100 times better looking than what they had been wearing.
On the opposite end of the spectrum is the Florida Marlins, who now prefer to be called the Miami Marlins. They couldn’t make up their mind on a color, so they went with the gay pride flag. They also made the wise decision to go with black uniforms in the hot Florida sun. Hopefully they switched to George Costanza’s cooler cotton uniforms.
I guess you can’t blame them for trying something different. Their average attendance last year was three dudes. That’s actually what it says when you look it up, except I rounded up to the nearest whole number.
The Marlins’ teal and black used to be one of my favorite looks. Now Wikipedia lists their colors as Licorice, Mandarin Red, Diva Blue, Sundance, Silver, and White. Maybe it’s hard to pull of teal, but I think adding five colors to it is a tad excessive.
Either way, Charlie Sheen will wear it. The guy’s so strung out on crack he can’t remember what baseball team he likes:
Giants, Indians, Reds, Tigers, Yankees, talk about a fair weather fan. Doctors diagnosed him as bipolar just by looking at his hat rack.
Fake NASCAR Headlines
NASCAR Forces Only Colombian To Adorn Target At All Times
Michael Waltrip To Run Race, Darrell Waltrip To Run Mouth
Jimmy Spencer Loves Donuts, But Not The Burning Rubber Kind
Hamlin Wins Award for “Driver Who’s Appearance And Behavior Most Resemble That Of A Crackhead”
Logano Bears Striking Resemblance To Modern Day Eddie Haskell
Kenseth Caught Drunk On Crown Royal And Jeremiah Weed Malt Liquor
Johnson Vows To Win Championships Until Media Learns How To Spell “Jimmie”
Reutimann Grows Beard To Look More Like Zach Braff
Edwards Savagely Beats Child In ‘Roid Rage
Menard Suffers Hairline Fracture, Harvick Suffers Receding Hairline
Kyle Busch Announces Tampax Sponsorship For Remainder Of 2011 Season
NASCAR’s Chase Revealed To Be Elaborate Art Project Of James Franco’s
See more at http://fakeracingnews.wordpress.com/
Last year, David Reutimann accomplished his goal of winning a NASCAR race and growing a beard to look even more like Zach Braff.
Giving a post-race NASCAR interview requires adhering to a strict guideline, here’s an example:
REPORTER: How did you end up dodging that wreck?
DRIVER: Well the (Sponsor) (Car) ran good all day. I gotta thank all the boys back at the shop for this one and I can’t thank (Team Owner) and (Crew Chief) and the fans enough. (Sponsor 2), (Sponsor 3 ), (Sponsor 4).
Rules to follow:
1. Never answer the question. Instead, completely ignore it and mention your sponsors, car manufacturer and how you “can’t thank” the “boys back a the shop” “enough”. Also, thank the fans no matter how much they hate you.
2. No matter how horrible the car was always mention how great it was since it was brought “off the truck” and say it was “a good points day”.
3. If someone wrecks you, just say “It was just one of them racin’ deals” and that you’ll “keep diggin” next week.
4. If anything controversial happens, just say “It is what it is”.
5. If someone is at home being ravaged by disease, say “I wanna say hi to (Name) and let him know we’re all pullin’ for ‘em”.
6. No matter how horrible of a call NASCAR officials made, say “well, they’re the reason we’re here today, and we’ll trust them to what they say”.
7. If you’re sponsored by a beverage company, hold the bottle towards the camera and act like you’re taking a sip but NEVER actually drink any.
8. At the end of your statement, just rattle off every sponsor without any context.
Here are some examples:
“I can’t thank (Sponsor’s CEO), (Sponsor’s President), (Random Person), and all the fans for comin’ out enough.”
“I think the difference today was the (Car Manufacturer) power under the hood.”
“The (Sponsor) (Car Manufacturer) was good off the truck and just on rails all day.”
“Well, you know, we just got caught up in one of them racin’ deals. But it is what it is and we’ll keep diggin’ and get ‘em next week.”
My Views on Bowling Alleys
I recently went bowling for the first time in while. I was in bowling leagues from elementary school until after high school, and the alleys have changed for the worse. It used to be that bowling alleys were places that looked like they were straight out of a 70’s movie, places where you never felt very clean. Maybe it wasn’t nice, but there was something comforting about breathing in all that second hand smoke and aerosol spray. Bowling alleys used to be made for middle-aged grizzly men named Butch who drink Miller High Life and listen to Bob Seger. Unfortunately, today they’re designed for squeaky-clean guys with names like Pierre who drink fancy coffees, Smirnoff Ice Green Apple and listen to Justin Bieber.
A bowling alley should be a place where old guys with bad comb overs named Stan and E.Z. chain-smoke, drink pitchers of beer, and say things that would sound offensive to people born after 1955. It should also have the faint smell of used shoes in the distance, along with a sweaty hairy guy who hands them to you. The décor should look like it hasn’t been updated since 1972, which is perhaps the most crucial point. The food stand should be run by an elderly lady who looks like she could be your friend’s grandmother. The stand should only sell fried foods that will clog your arteries. Also, bad coffee and cheap beer are essentials. The music should be lots of Lynyrd Skynyrd and other bands you haven’t heard of since the mid 80’s, definitely nothing after 1990. The lanes should also feature a computer that looks like an old Atari game that keeps score, breaks frequently and who’s letters and numbers are worn off from decades of use. The only birthday parties happening here are when Sherry on lane 13 pops out a kid during league play.
Instead today’s bowling alleys have TV’s on every lane, because, lets face it, what would you do if you missed Dancing with the Stars this week? I mean, there’s only Internet, DVR, Netflix, and On Demand, so you better be able to watch your TV while getting the least amount of exercise possible. They also play the worst music possible, it’s like a middle school dance from 1997. The Macarena, Cha Cha Slide, and lots of Backstreet Boys are played over and over. They also play it so loud that it is impossible to have a conversation. Gone is the classic retro 70’s look, replaced by cheap stuff designed to look modern. People no longer need to have skill to bowl a high score, just put up the bumpers. They don’t even need to know how to keep score, just have the computer do it. Now the menu at the food bar has everything pizza, subs, French broccoli quiche, prosciutto hams…It’s like The Neelys and Guy Fieri are in the back cookin’ it up. Now there are kids birthday parties on every lane and no outside food or beverage allowed inside. So how are Stan and E.Z. supposed to get liquored up and argue about who got the most ladies in ’68 before the game?
Maybe they get more business now but they’ve abandoned the people who made them. Now Stan and E.Z. have to find a Moose Lodge somewhere, if they’re still alive. Basically all I want is for bowling alleys to be a place that when you leave, someone says “you smell like a bowling alley”.