It's Dan's Blog.

People are always talking about who wore it best, well, I’m not and nobody I know is, but I assume people on TV and the Internet are.  So get ready to debate who wore THESE best:

Which fictional character from a television show wore a stupid hat the best?  George Costanza from Seinfeld, or Lane Pryce from Mad Men?

Which crazy person wore a Carhartt jacket best, Limehouse from Justified or Rick Perry?

Which fictional character from a television show ate ribs the best and/or wore the BBQ sauce the best?  Frank Underwood from House of Cards, or Alex from Happy Endings?

Everyone go settle this debate with a heated argument, I’m gonna go do something else.

Season 9 Episode 2, Roy’s Wedding

Instead of reading another pointless recap of The Office, why not just read what the unseen documentary crew must have been thinking?

“I thought Andy said last week that he wanted to fire Nellie as soon as possible.  So why exactly didn’t he just fire her when she came in brandishing that massive meat cleaver?” 

“Oh, really Jim?  You’re depressed about being a paper salesman?  Imagine being the guy that’s had to film you every day for nine years.  I mean, what am I doing with my life?  Instead of having a life of my own I have to film you living your life, which is basically just you sitting around and eating tuna sandwiches every day.  I had dreams once!  I was going to film rock stars and big time politicians, not some mid-level paper salesman jerk!  I need a damn drink!”

“Shouldn’t we warn Erin that the new Clark dude is basically a stage one serial rapist?  No?  You want me to go over and film them?  That seems a little weird.  Well, come to think of it, I guess it’s not really any weirder than that time you made me stand outside the door and record Dwight and Angela having sex.”

“Seriously?  I have to stand here and film Dwight and Nellie watching movies for three hours?  I can’t even watch the movie, I have to stand here and watch them watch it.  This is literally the worst thing I can imagine.  I hate Darrell so much right now, he just had to bring in that DVD.  Well, so much for seeing my kids tonight.  Can’t I at least get a chair?”

“Should I tell Angela that her husband is gay and cheating on her with Oscar?  I mean, we do have videographic proof, after all.  Is videographic a word?  I don’t know.”

“Roy didn’t invite me to his wedding but now they’re making me go film Jim and Pam at his wedding at 8 AM on a weekday.  This is going to be awkward.  By the way, who invites the guy who broke up your last wedding to your new wedding?  Roy, that’s who.  Gravel for brains.  What did I ever do that he wouldn’t invite me?  Anyway, guess I won’t get to see my kids this morning either.” 

You didn’t watch his version of Curb Your Enthusiasm entitled The Paul Reiser Show. You also probably won’t watch his version of Louie entitled Paulie, but he made it anyway.  Coming soon to NBC, the series directed by, written by, produced by, key gripped by, and food serviced by Paul Reiser starring Paul Reiser, Paulie. 

Only on NBC: We peacock comedy.

In the new James Bond movie, they have Bond switch from martinis to Heineken because Heineken funded the movie.  Also, in reruns of How I Met Your Mother, they digitally insert ads for new movies in the background.  Even worse than both of those, in recent Mad Men reruns, all the characters have switched from alcohol to Fanta, and Fanta is featured heavily in every scene.

Some of the changes:

Roger’s new drink order: “Fanta, easy on the ice.”

Don’s new drink order: “Big and orange.”

Peggy thinks “Would she think I’m racist if I brought out some Grape Fantas?  Guess I better stick with orange.” 

“It’s caffeine free, so I’m gonna go sleep in my office now.”

Megan: “Is this thing on?  Oh, it’s a bottle of Fanta?  Okay, I’ll sing anyway!”

“Don’t go, I got it, I got it..uhhh, Fanta Orange Soda: the cure for the common orange soda.  What?  This is the Life Cereal meeting?  Okay, okay, I got it, Life Cereal: the cure for the common breakfast cereal…Roger, I’m done!!!”

Ever notice they never cut away from Joan walking out of a room?  So did Fanta.  Kind of offensive ad placement if you ask me.

Now Joan’s like “Uhh, boys…eyes down here on my giant Fanta logo.”

Come on, Don swimming in Fanta?  That just seems like product placement overload.

Way outta line!  I didn’t pay a $100 cable bill for a 40 minute long Fanta ad.

I consider Community to have some of the most creative and original episode formats on television, however, I can’t say the same about last week’s Ken Burns Civil War documentary spoof “Pillows and Blankets (Part 2).”  I see people writing how genius it was, but it seems everyone forgot that Jimmy Kimmel did the exact same thing a few years ago during the Conan vs Leno thing in his video The Late Night War:

Even though the set up is the same, Community’s episode if full of enough great jokes that I don’t consider it an issue.  I hadn’t seen anyone point this out yet, so now consider it pointed out.  I just hope I don’t get a voicemail from Chevy Chase that’s an obscenity-laced tirade or have Dan Harmon lead an offensive chant against me.  Also, lets hope Jimmy Kimmel didn’t see the episode, he’s looking awfully angry and suspicious in that hoodie:

Now go watch Community so it doesn’t get canceled.

This scene from LOST is funnier if you imagine they’re talking about the Easter Bunny.

Christian Slater IMDB Credits That Could Represent The Course Of His Career If Read In This Order

Breaking In

The Contender

Rites Of Passage

Bed Of Roses

Guns, Girls, & Gambling

My Own Worst Enemy

Alone In The Dark

Very Bad Things

The Forgotten

Guest on Lopez Tonight

If I asked you which 1990s television star now lives in a shed, Andy Dick, Kirk Cameron, or Jaleel White, you’d probably say Andy Dick, right?  Well, unless Kirk Cameron is on some extreme religious right of passage where he has to live in a shed for six months, it’s probably safe to say Andy Dick would be most likely to live in a shed.  It turns out Andy Dick actually does live in a shed but, you know, it’s a nice shed, as far as sheds go.  It’s even been featured on Celebrity House Hunting. 

Now I’ve never lived in a shed, but I would think one rule of living in a shed would be to never tell people that you live in a shed.  Definitely don’t invite a camera crew over and give them a tour of the shed.  Also, under no circumstances should you reach under your miniature bed for the motor oil bottle filled with urine and show it to the camera crew.  Andy Dick did all of these things on Celebrity House Hunting.

I don’t want to make fun of Andy Dick, mostly because he was hilarious on NewsRadio, and enough people make fun of him already.  But come on, Andy, you live in a shed out back of your ex-girlfriends house.  I can’t just not write a blog post about you showing a bottle of your own urine on national television.  On a positive note, your ex-girlfriend must be pretty cool.  Most ex-girlfriends frown upon ex-boyfriends camping out in a shed in their back yard 24/7. 

I’ll try to stay positive.  Andy’s most recent mugshot is much better than some of his others.  He looks more like “Anderson Cooper on a bender” than his previous “Auditioning for The Joker,” and “Hipster Andy Dick.”

Note: If you call your shed a “man cave,” it’s a lot cooler.

(video at Huffington Post)

I’m conflicted with this Hou$e of Lie$ show, is that how you’re supposed to write it, with the dollar signs?  Anyway, Don Cheadle is cool, Kristen Bell* is awesome, Ben Schwartz is hilarious, but Hou$e of Lie$ is just okay.  The show’s gotten better as it’s gone along, but I think it could go either way**.

It’s almost like the show tries too hard to be edgy. These taglines are basically what it tries to be, just imagine a crazy guitar riff after each one:

• Hou$e of Lie$: The only show with a GAY BLACK CHILD!

• Hou$e of Lie$: The only show with DON CHEADLE’S BARE ASS!

• Hou$e of Lie$: Kristen Bell TAKES HER CLOTHES OFF! *guitar riff* But not all the way.

• Hou$e of Lie$: One of two shows where the guy who plays Jean-Ralphio PLAYS JEAN-RALPHIO!
• Hou$e of Lie$: COOL PEOPLE LIE AND STUFF!

The show is entertaining and usually pretty funny, but I can’t really say that it’s great. First of all, I don’t really know what the job of these characters is.  I studied marketing and advertising, yet I still don’t know what they’re doing.  One minute they’re doing creative work and the next minute they’re doing strategic work and crunching numbers.  There’s one scene where Don Cheadle explains all the stuff that his consultant team does, and then smugly asks “Still wondering what it is we do?”  After that, I’m like “Yeah, could you go through that again? Still not really sure.” 

It seems like every episode follows the same plot, summarized below: 

Don Cheadle gets a call from the school principal lady saying that his son is in trouble for something he did or something somebody did to him because he’s possibly gay.  Don Cheadle’s all like “I’M COMIN’ DOWN THERE TO STRAIGHTEN YOU OUT, WOMAN!!”  It all gets straightened out and then you see Don Cheadle and his son bonding back at their apartment.  Then Cheadle’s thinking “I’m a cool guy for being proud of my cross dressing gay son.”  I guess that’s the only thing that makes him a likable character so far, except for the fact that his mom killed herself.  Then again, do we have to like someone just because their mom killed herself?

Cheadle and his consultant team arrive at the client’s business, where he sees his ex-wife who is a rival consultant.  He claims she’s psycho but he can’t resist and by the end of the episode, their kid says “Are mommy and daddy back together?”  That might not have happened, I don’t remember or really care. 

Ben Schwartz’s character gets all Jean-Ralphioey and tries to pick up hotel staffers and that other guy does something awkward. 

Each episode features the team dealing with a client.  The team wants to do something to fix the client’s business, and the client says “That is highly immoral.”  Then Don Cheadle’s character says “It’s okay, ‘cause I’m a cool guy.” 

Also, there are lots of shots where Don Cheadle talks directly to the camera like he’s Garry Shandling, Woody Allen, or Bernie Mac, only everyone around him is frozen.  Then you think “It’d be pretty cool to freeze time in real life.” 

Lastly, Don Cheadle’s character pours a drink and gives that look to the camera that says “I’m a cool guy.” 

After seven episodes, I’d say the show has potential but probably won’t be the highlight of any of it’s actor’s careers.  Ben Schwartz steals the show every time he’s on Parks and Rec, but his Hou$e of Lie$ character seems to be kind of an imitation of that.  Kristen Bell, who’s probably the best part of the show, said she signed on to the show because she wanted to do something more “adult.”  I’d say her role on Veronica Mars was as adult as something can get, after all, Veronica Mars was raped and nearly murdered somebody on a roof top.  Lastly, I’m no Don Cheadle expert, but I don’t think his obituary would read “Star of Hotel Rwanda and Hou$e of Lie$ dies.”  Oh, then there’s that other guy who plays Doug.

On a scale of “Watch” to “Don’t Watch,” I say “Wait for the DVD, BluRay, iTunes, Netflix, OnDemand, or illegal download.” 

*It’s actually mandatory when mentioning Kristen Bell to post a link to that video of her crying about a sloth (here).

**Like Cheadle’s kid on the show. Inside joke for people who’ve watched the show!

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